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Every time somebody gets fired for something they said or wrote, such as recently when blogger Paul Shirley was fired by ESPN for making retarded comments about Haiti, there’s usually an interminable supply of Constitutionally confounded news commentators yammering about the First Amendment—such as CNN’s Joy Behar, who said, “I don’t think he should be fired for [exercising] free speech. I’m strict about the First Amendment.” Read the rest of this entry »
By now, you’ve probably heard about the 14-year-old South Pasadena boy who recently lobbied to have profanity banned in his hometown. Apparently, the City Council liked the idea so much that they officially proclaimed the first week in March as No Cussing Week.
Now keep in mind, No Cussing Week is not law. It’s an official proclamation, which means–it don’t mean squat. It is unenforceable, un-punishable, not in violation of the First Amendment and, therefore, not deserving of our contempt.
It is, however, deserving of our ridicule.
Forget the obvious reason, which is that swearing is a valuable element of human communication. Anyone who doesn’t know that has never had their plane stuck on the tarmac for three hours, their shampoo bottles leak into their suitcase or their hotel reservation misplaced–all during the same trip. You just try to tell me that having access to a couple of choice obscenities at that moment wouldn’t save at least a couple of lives.
But the main reason No Cussing Week deserves our ridicule is because it’s fucking retarded.
I’ve always hated euphemisms. A euphemism replaces an unpleasant word or phrase with one that is more palatable, such as the term “pre-owned” to replace “used” or “landfill” to replace “garbage dump.” It’s a symptom of the fact that mankind would rather obfuscate certain truths about itself than confront them.
Even worse are political euphemisms used to influence the public mindset, such as Dick Cheney’s “enhanced interrogation” to replace “torture,” which is offensive and an insult to our intelligence.
And let us not forget The Dark Lord of euphemisms, former Bush administration consultant Frank Luntz, who gave the president such doozies as “climate change,” “opportunity scholarships” and “responsible energy exploration,” which works well as a euphemism for “drill” but really isn’t all that bumper-sticker-friendly.
“Explore responsibly, baby, explore!” Read the rest of this entry »
Recently, the U.S. Supreme Court agreed to hear a discrimination case brought by The Christian Legal Society (CLS) against University of California’s Hastings College of Law (UC Hastings) because the university denied the Christian group recognition as an official campus organization based on the Christian group’s policy against homosexuality.
I’m sitting on my recliner watching The View, as I do every morning, and, as usual, getting quite irritated in the bowels by Sherri Shepherd, the heavy-set, African-American co-host whose big fat face I cannot stand in the least.
The ladies are bantering about how it’s become politically incorrect to say or write the words “Merry Christmas” and how that complicates the process of sending holiday cards.
“All my cards say ‘Merry Christmas,’” Shepherd barks defiantly, “because people know I’m a Christian, and if they are offended, they don’t have to get my card.”
Joy Behar, one of the co-hosts on The View who can actually see and shit, explains to Shepherd that the point of a greeting card is to commemorate the holiday that the recipient is celebrating. “I’m a Christian, too,” Behar says, “but I send my Jewish friends ‘Happy Hanukkah’ cards.”
“No,” spurts Shepherd, “this is my holiday!”
And there you have it, folks. It’s Sherri Shepherd’s holiday; we’re just decorating it for her.
There are few people in this whole wide world whom I despise more than that woman. Her unwavering conviction to fatuous, infantile concepts is astounding. This is a person who believes Christianity predates all religions, wasn’t sure if the world is flat or round and thought that taking Andy Dick to a Pentecostal church service would get him to change his ways.
So, no, I am not surprised that Ms. Shepherd would make such a remark, but when Elisabeth Hasselbeck agreed, well, that was a bit much. Hasselbeck—the blonde, right-wing, bumper-sticker spewing co-host of The View—ain’t no Copernicus, either, but she’s nowhere near as vacuous as Shepherd. Or so I thought. Read the rest of this entry »
Oh God, give it a rest already with this whole Tiger Woods infidelity outrage. For crying out loud, don’t you know? Everybody cheats: We cheat on our taxes, we cheat on our résumés, we cheat on our facepage entries for age and weight and, yes, we have cheated—or are about to cheat—on our husbands and wives.
According to the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 45 to 55 percent of married women and 50 to 60 percent of married men “engage in extramarital sex at some time during their relationship.” And that’s just those who admit to it. If you add 15 percentage points for those who are lying, 15 for people who would cheat but can’t—because they are too ugly, dumb and smelly to seduce somebody other than their ugly, dumb, smelly spouses—you’ve got a 85-90 percent chance that normal people in normal situations cheat. Read the rest of this entry »
Click here to read my debut piece for Pacific SD Magazine
Ever since the citizens of Maine and Oregon voted to snub their homosexual brethren by denying them the right to marry (et tu, progressive states?), I really wanted to write a rant (wrant) about it. The problem was, I had wranted so much about California’s own Prop. 8 gay marriage snub—I wasn’t sure I wanted to go there again.
Until today, when I happened upon a statistic saying of the 31 states (including Maine and Oregon) that put same-sex marriage to a popular vote, every one of them shot it down!
Not to be confused with the five states (Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, Iowa, New Hampshire) that legalized gay marriage via the legislature, the 31 states in question took the issue to the citizens, and the citizens denied it, as if to say, “Get back in the dungeon, gay people! You’re scaring the kids!” Read the rest of this entry »
Responding to the recent car-bombing of a Peshawar market, Secretary of State Clinton told the Pakistan press, and the world, that the attacks were, “cowardly,” which couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Just Google the phrase cowardly act and see how many people have no idea what coward even means. For example, the first three hits are links to: an article about a hit and run murder in Toronto, an assault on an elderly man by a teenager with a baseball bat, and a man who attacked an Australian Constable with a flying head-butt to protect an elderly man from being tasered—all of which were described as “cowardly acts.” Read the rest of this entry »
Recently, I drifted into a cigar and beer and wine bar to treat myself to a stogie and a brew. This particular establishment is known for its extensive draft microbrew selection and a palatial walk-in humidor that would make most cigar aficionados drool.
As usual, I was looking for something under 20 bucks. Aside from the fact that $20 is all I care to invest in something I’m going to set on fire and reduce to a small pile of ash, the truth is, I really can’t tell the difference between a $20 and a $100 cigar. I just don’t have the palate for it, so I don’t spend more than $20, which, I guess, makes me a cigar aficio-nada. Read the rest of this entry »
When President Barack Obama gave a speech last month that was written for the school children of America, certain politicians and pundits threw a fit.
Jim Greer, the Florida GOP chairman, called the speech “liberal propaganda.” Fox News commentHater Glenn Beck said the president’s goal is the “indoctrination of children.” The list goes on.
And what were these detestable messages being propagandized by President Obama (or, as I call it, probamaganda)? Do your homework, stay in school, apply yourself—you know, the kind of ideas that could destroy a society should they ever catch on. Read the rest of this entry »
It’s Thursday night, seven minutes after midnight, which technically means Friday. My column—this column—is due on Friday. The Sword of Deadline-ocles hangs over my head.
I blame Rob Garbowski.
Rob Garbowski is (warning: blatant, gratuitous friend-band plug cometh) the drummer for a smokin’ hard-rock band called SweetTooth. Rob and I are friends and all, but the other day he said something that irritated my ass off.
He was detailing the reasons he was not impressed by a recent column I had written and concluded by saying, “I could tell that you phoned that one in.”
Now, normally I welcome criticism. Constructive criticism has improved my writing a great deal over the years, not the least of which came from Rob, who you can always count on for honest and intelligent critique.
So, I hope you take it in the right spirit, Rob, when I tell you to lick my liver blisters.
Recently, I ran into a bit of bad luck. I won’t bother you with the details—they’re not terribly interesting. What matters is, I was sitting at the bar with a friend—miserable and hunched over a dirty Stoli martini while he delivered a series of irritating, consolation clichés.
He was saying stuff like, “Well, you still have your health” and “Things could be worse” and, of course, the worst consolation cliché of them all. It’s only five words long, but these five words are so repugnant, they can drive a man to stab your neck with an olive spear should you speak them.
“Everything happens for a reason,” he said, then lifted his martini and gazed upward, as if what he said was blisteringly profound. Read the rest of this entry »
Dear Mr. Decker, as a working bartender, I feel you are the perfect person to ask this question. I really like this girl but she’s sort of standoffish to me. Except when she gets drunk. Then she’s all over me. I’m really tempted to get her drunk so we can get wild. Is this wrong? Does it make me a creep?
—Dave M., North Park
Dear Dave, So, you want to know if getting a girl drunk so that she might have sex with you makes you a creep? The fact that you have to ask that question tells me that you’ve got a lot to learn about women and booze.
Getting girls drunk to loosen them up for a little jungle sex is one of the reasons Jesus invented alcohol and to not use it in such a manner would be disrespectful to The Lord, so my advice is to start ordering those shots. Read the rest of this entry »
My friend and reknowned illustrator, Jay Allen Sanford, was doodling to avoid deadlines and came up with Barzilla’s older meaner brother. Pretty cool huh?
