As much as I complain about the imposition of the Ten Commandments unto our government, I will say that the authors of that document did have the right idea. There is something to be said about a list of rules and guidelines for us to follow so that we might better get along with each other.
The problem with the Ten Commandments is that it tries to be all things to all people. It is simply too generic a document to be applicable to all situations in life. For instance, the First Commandment, "Thou Shalt Have No God Before Me," doesn't really help you on the grocery store checkout line. Nor does the Fourth Commandment, "Honor Thy Father and Mother," do a bit of good to that little boy living in a Cabrini Green rat's cubby with a crack-addled mother who sells her ass for vials of rock.
That kid needs a set of Ten Commandments that are specific to his situation. Like, The Ten Commandments of Being the Son of a Crack Whore. And think how much better his life would have been if his parents had had a Ten Commandments of Parenting to consult. There should be Commandments for everything: a Ten Commandments for Parking and Ten Commandments for Bartending and Ten Commandments for the Grocery Check Out Line (Thou shalt not use Visa to pay for Gum) and yes, even a Ten Commandments of Rock and Roll. . .
The Ten Commandments of Rock and Roll.
I) Thou Shalt Not Consume More Drugs Before Thy Gig Than Thy Body Can Handle: If thou doth pass out on thy stage with foam at thy mouth - then ye shall surely be flogged.
II) Thou Should Not Drink Up Thy Entire Band Tab: Thou shalt leave room on thy tab for thy bandmates. When thou doth screw over thy bandmates by ordering double Patron for thou and thy girlfriend -- then he shalt be flogged and thereafter pelted with jagged rocks at public square.
III) Thou Shalt Not Explain to Thy Audience the Meaning of Every Song: Thy lead singer shalt shut thy wine hole and just play thy song. If thy singer doth wont to speak out, "This song is called "Spin Cycle" and it is about thy friend who died from a freak laundry accident but really it's about how everything in life comes full circle," - then ye shall be fitted with a muzzle and stoned and flogged and flayed with pruning shears.
IV) Thou Shalt Not Pre-Plan Encores: When thou pre-plans an encore it ceases to become an encore. Then it becomes a set break; a stupid, five minute set break near the end of the show that thou doth not need nor want and doesn't thou feel silly waiting backstage pretending to decide whether or not thou will return, then bound back on the stage as though thou suddenly changed thy mind? Do that and thou will be stoned and flogged and flayed and tarred with molten earth.
V) Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery with Thy Bandmate's Girlfriend (Unless thou art wasted, or thou art horny, or thy bandmate's concubine is wicked hot):
". . . And Vince did make to lie with the fiancé of Tommy Lee, and Tommy Lee did make to lie with the wife of Nikki, and Vince and Nikki both did make to lie with their A&R rep's wives, and Nikki did try to make to lie with the mother of Tommy Lee and lo did there performances suck thereafter evermore."
VI) Thou Shalt Keep Holy the Black Sabbath Day: On the 13th day of the month of February (upon whence came the first Sabbath album) thou shalt do no work; nor thy son, nor daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates - instead thou all shalt layeth around the living room all day smoking weed and cranking metal.
VII) Thou Shalt Not Say the Phrase "Farewell Tour" in Vain (unless thou plans on permanently farewelling): If thou performs a show after a farewell tour - thou will be stoned and flogged and flayed and tarred then laid across a bed of spires and made to do push ups then suffocated.
VIII) Honor thy Mama's and the Papas: Before stepping on stage, thou shalt remember thy roots and thy predecessors. Remember Mama Cass and John Phillips. Remember thy Lord and producer, Lou Adler, and the hallowed ground at Monterey Pop Festival, and all the other people and places that came together at the dawn of rock and roll to pave the way for thou. Then and only then may thou proceed to the stage and rock out with thy holy cock out.
IX) Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Headliner's Hits: If thou art an opening band, thou shalt not play any tunes by the headliner - or hungry cattle ticks shall be mounted on thy eyeballs.
X) Thou Shalt Not Lip Synch: For the lord said, "Lo I reserve a special place in hell for ye who dares to synch thy lip; a place where demons have razors for fingers toes and play twister upon thy back. And I will surely smite thee and the son of thee, and the son of the son of the son of thee until thirteen generations down are burned by the pyrotechnics of Hell simply because thou did make thy lips to move yet uttered no sound."
EJD
01/07/04