It's brilliant really. When you include the word "family" in your organization's name or website, it gives you instant credibility. For instance, Families for Bombing France doesn't sound all that nefarious, Families for Kicking Puppies makes you wonder if those puppies weren't asking to be kicked, and I guarantee the White Aryan Resistance would double their membership if they ever changed their name to Families for Sending Blacks Back To Africa.

Yeah, it's all in the wording people. Words are power. And the word "family" is as powerful as it gets. So it's no coincidence that these family groups are as prominent and influential as they are. Which would be fine except for one small problem: They all have the same worldview.

I searched the internet far and wide for a "family" group that wasn't a conservative Christian evangelical outfit and couldn't find a single one. It's like they actually own the word "family." It's as if they copyrighted the word and now, only those families who believe in Jesus Christ are permitted to even classify their families as "family."

Only if your family believes there is something dirty about the human body, only if your family believes that a religion of fear and exclusion is better than no religion at all, only if your family believes a woman should relinquish control over her own goddamn body, only if your family believes there is something sinful about fornication, masturbation, birth control, homosexuality, MTV, cannabis, condoms, stem cell research - only then can you be considered a real Family©.

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A few weeks ago, Bill Clinton said this at the opening of his Presidential Library in Arkansas: "America has two great dominant strands of political thought . . . [There is] Conservatism, which at its very best draws lines that should not be crossed; and progressivism, which at its very best breaks down barriers that are no longer needed or should never have been erected in the first place."

Which is exactly what this is all about. By their nature, liberals want to broaden the definition of family, while conservatives, by their nature, are trying to keep family as it was - familiar.

This is not an insult to traditionalism. I am grateful for the conservative movement - if for no other reason that it does not allow liberalism to go unchecked. Because if liberalism ever went unchecked in this country, we'd be fucked: Can you imagine? NBA games would all be played on trampolines, Highlights Magazine would have a supermodel swimsuit issue, and Lemmy would be Governor of California.

I'll tell you what else. You can kiss that freedom-loving ass of yours goodbye if they ever let conservatism out of the straightjacket. Imagine that Hellish America - where the radio only plays Perry Como, basketball has no shot clock, and abstinence is the only legal form of birth control. And I know a lot of you are worried that that is the America we are headed for - especially after the last election.

Not to worry.

Our political system is just a huge pendulum, swinging back and forth between conservatism and liberalism. The bad news is that the pendulum spends more time on the left and the right extremities than it ever does in the center. But the good news is that no one ideology stays in power too long. What goes up must come down and none so abruptly as a political party's pendulum plummeting out of power as is about to happen to the conservative movement.

And it's going to happen because of stupid shit like this. Because conservatives too fiercely resist change, even when that change is progress. They can scarcely admit, much less tolerate, that the American family can no longer be so strictly defined as a man, and a woman, with some kids, and a dog, in a house - with a crucifix on the mantle, a flag on the roof, and an SUV in the garage. They cannot concede that there is room in this country for all types of families, and all sorts of values, and that it's time to let the rest of us define our families for ourselves.

Paid for by Families Against Families Who Think Their Family's Family Values are Better than Our Families' Family Values.org

EJD

12/01/04