I stopped in Oceanside for the weekend to wind down. Upon my arrival to the pier, I learned that Oceanside was hosting a national cheerleader competition. It was called Bring it Back to the Beach presented by the California Allstars (www.californiaallstars.com) and was conducted in the area surrounding the Oceanside Pier.
The place was crawling with cheerleaders. There were cheerleaders on their way to compete. There were cheerleaders just returning from competing. There were cheerleaders stretching on grass. There were cheerleaders tumbling on mats. There were cheerleaders chatting and cheerleaders joking. There were even little baby cheerleaders -- in their little baby cheerleader skirts smiling little baby cheerleader smiles -- and I'm thinking, "Aw, look at the little cheer-chicks in training, aren't they just the cutest little . . . spawns of Satan that ever walked a planet of evil ever??
I hate cheerleaders. Always have. And not just because I couldn't date them in high school, although there's that. I just can't stand pep. All that smiling and kicking and leaping and bounding and bouncy-hair-having, it's like the Stepford Wives on diet pills. Or to put it in cheerleader-speak: "Rah rah, sis boom bay!/I'll take a bi-polar, chip-eating, soap-opera-surfing, couch lizard over these happy peppy bouncy babes any day!"
I hate the whole cheerleading premise: For instance, at a sporting event, it is the cheerleader's job to tell me when to go "Woo-woo!" Well Sometimes I'm not in the mood to go "Woo-woo." Sometimes I'd rather go, "You're a bum Seau!" But if I was in the mood to go woo woo, I wouldn't need a cheerleader to tell me when. It's not rocket science you know. You go woo-woo when your team scores a touchdown. You go woo-woo when your team makes an interception and you go Dammit-asshole-shit! when the oaf behind you spills his 20-ouncer down your back.
No sir it is certainly not rocket science. But if it was, do you think I'd consult a cheerleader on how to install the thrust vector control system to the main solid rocket boosters? Hell no. I'll consult a cheerleader when I need tips on proper glitter application and advanced Thigh Master technology. Until then, "Rah-rah sis bah kaboom!/I can't see the field honey so get out of my view."
I know, I know, you're right, it sounds so mean. I'm sure CityBEAT will receive angry letters from all the cheerleader rights groups demanding a formal apology -- which I shall now issue in advance:
Sorry Ms. Cheerleader person, it's nothing personal. I just hate you.
And here in Oceanside, surrounded by your minions, I feel as though I've been beamed up to Planet Pep and any minute now the evil bouncy skirted Peplings will converge upon me and tear my flesh to shreds for displaying too much grump. I can hear them chanting now, "Hi-de, hi-de, hi de ho!/ Mr. Grumpy's gotta go!"
I hate cheerleader meet and greets too. I hate going to the men's room of my favorite neighborhood alehouse to find a poster of the Charger Girls all smiling like they've just shot their husbands and made off with the insurance. On the bottom of the poster it says, "Meet the Charger Girls, here, Saturday night !" and I'm sitting on the toilet thinking, "Oh, boy! A bunch of self-involved, hyper-plasticized, quarterback fuckers who I haven't the slightest chance of screwing are coming here to sell me a calendar which I could not, in my right mind, display anywhere in my home? Well woo-woo! Better get there early and get me a good seat.
Here's an interesting fact: Through the early 1900's, cheerleading was dominated entirely by males. Yup, all that leaping and bounding and smiling and bouncy-hair having was done by men. And they weren't called cheerleaders. They were called Yell Marshals. Now that sounds like a cheer master you had to obey.
"Yes sir Mr. Marshal, I'll say 'Woo woo' right away sir."
Look, I'm all for women participating in sports. But can't it be a real sport rather than some silly tangent to what the men are doing? Is there anything more Stepford Wife-like than an activity where women jump and smile and giggle in support of males?
If you need further proof that cheerleading is not an acceptable sport, well here it is: There are no good movies made about cheerleading. Baseball has Bull Durham , Hockey has Slapshot , Football has The Longest Yard , and cheerleading has Bring it On - which made The Bad News Bears go to Japan seem like a Jim Jarmusch script.
Even worse is, cheerleading has branched off as a "sport" unto itself.
I look around now at the National Competition here in Oceanside and I don't see any football happening. I don't see any touchdowns or interceptions to go woo woo over. All I see are a whole lot of cheerleaders rooting some imaginary team to glorious victory over some other imaginary team - with their jazz fingers rolling and there pep pyramids tumbling and somebody is yelling, "Gooooooo Knights!" - and I'm thinking, "There are no goddam Knights here." There ain't no Crusaders either. No Saints, no Giants, no Vikings. No Bulls. No Bruins. No Lions or Tigers or Bears so why? Why why why? There's no one to root for but you. So you'll excuse me if I don't go "Woo-woo."
EJD
06/15/04
Comments (6)
Ed,
Hello, to you my name is cheerleader. I'm interested in your online article and it's contents. I've found several errors which I intend to correct as a way of giving back to the less enlightened such as yourself.
I'm a cheerleader and I'm 16 years old. I've never taken diet pills in my life and I've never met another cheerleader who has. Also, I've never heard a cheerleader on my squad say "woo". I've also never said, nor have I heard another cheerleader say "rah rah sis boom bah". These sorry excuses for humor on your part are merely manifestations of a long standing and entirely false stereotype.
No, sir, cheerleading is not rocket science. However, neither is writing for an online newspaper. No one said that cheerleading required an IQ of 175, but it does require a great deal of skill, which you refuse to recognize being the close-minded bigot that you are.
Yes, Ed, I called you a bigot. People like you perpetuate ignorance and prejudice. By assigning these characteristics to ALL cheerleaders you are advocating stereotypes. It's people like you who press the idea that ALL Asians are bad drivers, ALL black people are criminals, and ALL Muslims are terrorists. Do you believe those stereotypes too?
Now to address your misconceptions regarding cheerleading as a sport. Cheerleaders are essentially gymnasts and acrobats who incorporate dance moves and cheers into a routine along with complex stunts and tumbling. While chanting their school name during a performance, they are demonstrating their school pride, which is a factor which judges consider. I wonder, could you land a round-off back handspring back tuck and still have enough breath to cheer while extending a girl into a ground-up liberty? Could you finish with a scorpion to a twist-cradle?
Now for a few tips for a struggling writer. Your writing style reminds me of a pretentious high school newspaper. This sort of humor is elementary at best, providing the reader with cliché after cliché, stereotype after stereotype. Why not base your observations after true life instead of feeding off of the archaic and overworked misconceptions about cheerleaders? This whole article is a masturbatory piece of crap, contributing nothing to the world except for your own pompous delusions.
Sincerely yours, forever and ever,
N
Posted by Nicole | December 30, 2006 12:16 AM
Posted on December 30, 2006 00:16
Hello, my name is Callie. I am glad you have your oppinion, however it is wrong, but it is yours to decide. I would like to say what you wrote hurt me. I am a cheerleader, and I used to think like you. Until I tried it. Which is what i want you to do. Not literally, but acutally put some work into what cheerleaders do. We do a lot and i do consider it a sport. Thank you for your oppinion, you are a very good writer. Maybe you should try using it for something positive instead of hurting people. I work at least 3 hours a day on my "sport" it's not always fun, but I love it. Thank you for your "apology" if that is what you can call it, because you did not mean it. Cheerleading is not all about cheering other teams on, infact that is the part I like least. It is about stunting, rutines, competitions, and winning. I hope that you will look more into it. I am sorry for whatever really happened to you from a cheerleader, it must have been something bad if you hate us so much. Thank you for your time, and I am off to go cheer at a basketball game.
Callie
Posted by Callie | December 31, 2006 1:40 AM
Posted on December 31, 2006 01:40
^Whatever. I personally don't care for cheerleading or cheerleaders. And yes, I've tried it, didn't like it, and thought it was pointless. I'm 16 also, and I've done Martial Arts for ten years, as well as played JV boys lacrosse and hockey, though I'm female. Those are sports. I don't consider cheerleading a sport as it has more exibitionary purposes as opposed to others. Cheerleading as I see it, is meant as entertainment fluff that happens at half time to provide you with time to grab a Mountain Dew from the concession stand. So there's gymnastics an aerobics. That's nice. It's essentially the same moves arranged differently every time to different music. It lacks the urgency and hustle found in -real- sports.
--->Also, I make costumes as a hobby, and am practicing professional theatrical make-up. Recently I went to a Costuming Convention in my state. It was unbeknownst to me however, that a cheerleading competition was happening that whole weekend in the same convention center. I was exitibing a new costume I had made, which was painfully Victorian-era inspired. The cheerleaders wandering aimlesslessly into the costuming convention that paused to inquire about my costume were unbelieveably historically ignorant. One girl asked me if I was from the 50's.
Yes, I'm serious and no, I'm not a bigot nor do I encourage stereotyping. I am simply stating my opinion, and an unbiased observation.
Posted by Nissa | August 10, 2007 10:01 AM
Posted on August 10, 2007 10:01
Hi. I am a cheerleader for California All-Stars and i was at Oceanside on that very day. If you even looked for a NANO SECOND to what us cheerleaders do you would be sorry you even thought this. we do not take diet pills, we do not yell "RAH RAH SIS BOOM BAH!", and your stupid comment: "I’ll consult a cheerleader when I need tips on proper glitter application" is a total stereotype. Now I know this is just your opinion, but you could at least have NOT insulted us cheerleaders. And you your information, cheerleading IS a sport. "Athletes lift weights. Cheerleaders lift other athletes." People are impressed at what cheerleaders can do. We can tumble, dance, and lift people WITHOUT taking a break. It takes a lot of strength to keep up. I would like to see YOU try to do that. So until you have, don't judge us=).
Posted by CHEERLEADER FOR CALIFORNIA ALL-STARS | June 25, 2008 9:06 PM
Posted on June 25, 2008 21:06
I hate you(:
Go suck yr dick.
Posted by Anonymous | June 26, 2008 7:03 PM
Posted on June 26, 2008 19:03
Where to begin? Well, I'll start by saying that I really don't care for cheerleading. All you girls who do, great for you. You can think it's super and what-not, but you can't convince me to think the same way as you. Why, do you ask?
1) All the cheerleaders in my school were bitches. Like, they hated everyone who weren't in the exclusive "only for 10 people" cliche.
2) I've never seen them once do anything that I haven't/couldn't done/do. I was in marching band for three years in high school, and the two are vastly similar. You memorize a set of movements set to music. Only real difference is: in marching band you play your own music. Also, I am not trying to say marching band is a sport. I don't think it is. It, like cheerleading, is a physical activity.
3)"Athletes lift weights, cheerleaders lift athletes"? Bullshit. First, I have never seen a cheerleaer lift a weight ever. And second, they only lift the smallest girl on the squad, and it takes four of them! At my high school, the varsity cheerleading squad ALWAYS lifted up this girl who weighted only 90 pounds or something. and there were ALWAYS FOUR OF THEM TO DO IT? WHO HERE CAN LIFT 22.5 POUNDS OVER YOUR HEAD?
4) They all say "I'd like to see you try!" OK! if I practice as much as you to do a little dance routine, then I bet I can too. I have never seen anything in cheerleading that couldn't do WITH PRACTICE. I couldn't just pick it up right off the bat. the same way any cheerleader has to practice, I would have too to, but THEN i would be able to do everything they do.
5) People make fun of cheerleaders because they don't push themselves. Sure they have to eat right, and they run a mile or so before practice and stuff, but what sport doesn't? Try squatting in a defensive position for football, your legs will hurt for days afterwards. Try running sprints again and again for track. try taking a hit from that giant 500 pound lineman on the other team. While you yell and stuff on the side lines, people like me are on the field taking care of business. cheerleaders are on the sidelines, real athletes are on the field.
Posted by Stone | July 6, 2008 4:11 PM
Posted on July 6, 2008 16:11