Oh sure - on paper, "beer garden" sounds idyllic and verdant - as if it has shrubs, and shade trees, and a lawn, and a lilac-lined footpath that loops around the pond with the neoclassical pissing statue in the middle, and busty Lederhosen babes bringing forth frosty mugs of delicious golden liqua-love.

Yeah right. A beer garden is no more a garden than is Madison Square. A beer garden is a corral. It's a prison cell. It's a cage with inadequate bars. It's lines to get in and lines to get through and lines to buy pre-poured beers that are halfway to warm by the time you dish out your 6 to 9 dollars. It's nothing but a holding pen some 18 miles from the nearest stage and boasting all the aesthetics of a concrete horseshoe pit.

The term biergarten dates back to 16th century Germany. The German brewers were having trouble with excessive spoilage because they didn't have the preservative technology we do today. During those notoriously warm Bavarian summer months, the beer spoiled so often it made many people sick, sometimes it made them dead. So the brewers built these storage caves and began stocking their product underground to keep cool. It was a great idea, and the beer stayed. However, manmade caves are just not a pleasant place for your customers to enjoy beer. So directly above the storage caves, the brewers created these copasetic little lounging parks, up in the fresh air and sunlight, with shrubs and shade trees and a lilac-lined footpath around the fountain with the neoclassical pissing statue. These were the first beer gardens, and they were a huge success to be enjoyed by the whole family. In Germany they are like that to day.

An American beer garden, on the other hand, is little more than a nit on the balls of its German counterpart.

There is no path. There is no pond. And the only Ivy in the area is some emaciated coke-smoker chick who is smushed up against you and enjoying it a little too much for your liking. But the worst thing about rock festival beer gardens is the simple fact that they don't work. You cannot put the beer in one place and the stage in another and expect rock 'n' roll to happen. Beer is in the DNA of rock 'n' roll. They can't be separated!

Don't believe me? Next time you do a music festival, just watch. Stand outside the beer garden and watch the people inside, the ones with the beer, packed together, far away from the stage, oh so valiantly trying to rock out but failing like an inept 30 minute drum solo. Then turn to watch the people trying to rock out at the stage, without beer. Watch how they shout, "Hell yeah," and go "Wooah-woo," without enthusiasm. Watch when they raise their hands in the air like they just don't care and note what appears to be a nearly imperceptible, ever-so-slight hint of caring when they raise their hands in the air. Do you see it? They have just a tad of care when they raise their hands in the air. And the space between not caring and a tad of caring is where rock and roll lives and dies. Because a true rock experience requires that all your cares slip away. And by God bub, you need beer to do that.

So the question is, if beer gardens suck so much, why does Street Scene and other festivals opt to use them? Answer: Because of our city government and all their anti-party polices (anti-rave this, entertainment ordinance that), and their hyper-puritanical worldviews, and their irrational hang-ups regarding minors and exposure to alcohol.

For instance, the city does not allow alcohol to be freely served at events where minors will be present. So Street Scene is forced to choose between a 21-and-up event or a - shudder - all ages one. If Street Scene chooses 21-and-up, the kids get screwed and Street Scene has to forgo all those potential ticket buyers. If Street Scene chooses all ages, then they have to send the adults to beer jail, thus tampering with the DNA of rock 'n' roll and destroying rock as we know it.

So you can't blame Street Scene. Hell, I don't even really blame city government.

City Council may control the free-flow of beer in San Diego, but it's the California Department of Alcohol and Beverage Control (ABC) that mans the floodgates. That said, if City Council directed the Chief of Police to do so, he could request that ABC allow special events like Street Scene to operate sans beer garden. But that obviously didn't happen. Because you just can't expect city council to understand the complex nature of the DNA of rock 'n' roll. That's not their job. Their job is to wear suits and work on retrofits and freeway connectors, and to make boring, though profoundly invaluable, statements such as, "We must reform our tax structure to immunize the area from boom-and-bust cycles and ensure that we continue to be an attractive place to live and do business."*

We need guys like that on the City Council. But what does a guy like that know about rock 'n' roll? The last rock CD he bought was Tusk and still hasn't recovered from the shock. So no, I don't expect politicians to understand what makes or breaks a rock festival. However, I do expect them to listen to those who do - someone like me who doesn't know shit about retrofit, but can listen the hell-outta AC/DC. So listen up:

Come On City Council! Can't we just have a rock festival where everyone gets to have fun all at once? It's not a revolutionary idea, you know. Oktoberfest in Germany is just one of hundreds of all-inclusive festivals with rides and games and schnapps and parents walking with a kid in one hand and a coldy in the other and they're all having such a great time out there. I know. I saw it.

Come on City Council. It's not just me saying this. There are a lot of us out here who feel the city has gone waaaay too far with the, "No Beer" on 4th of July," and the "No beer on the beach," and the "No beer at the nudie clubs," and "No beer after 7th inning." Come on! Whaddya say? It's time to have fun again! Why's everbody gotta be so serious all the time?

Come on City Council. Isn't it time we finally admitted that beer is good, that beer drinking should be celebrated, that the only people who don't like beer are dung-suckers and baby-rapers, that beer drinkers are responsible and respected members of society, that civilization will not crumble if a minor happens to find that out.

Come on City Councilman or woman. Won't you make a motion to end all this prohibition bullshit? Won't you stand up during the council meeting and say, "I hereby motion to abolish all our overzealous alcohol laws, in favor of freedom and free enterprise, and fun, and in favor of a sane approach to alcohol consumption -- does anyone second that?" And oh what a glorious day it would be if, in response, the other Council members and the Mayor and the City Manager and the City Attorney all stood up and just started clapping and grooving and swaying their hips, singing sweet sweet Smokey Robinson: "If you feel like loving me, if you got the notion--I second that e-motion."

*Councilmember Scott Peters, District 1

EJD

O9/08/04