As much as I can’t wait for the new Padre’s stadium (PETCO Park) to be finished, I just can’t resolve the fact that so many people’s homes and businesses were involuntarily confiscated and then bulldozed to accommodate our somewhat pathetic, insatiable need to be entertained by games.
I’m talking about Eminent Domain.
The American Heritage Dictionary (3rd Edition) defines Eminent Domain as: The right of a government to appropriate private property for public use…”
Talk about a euphemism.
Doesn’t, “Appropriate private property for public use” really just mean “Take”? As in, “I’ll be taking your
property from you now hope you don’t mind.”
Euphemisms are nothing more than a series of little lies to support a larger one. For instance, when I phoned David Allsbrook, the Contracting and Public Works Manager from Centre City Development Corporation (CCDC) of San Diego, and asked how many buildings were ‘appropriated’ by the city for the Petco project, “Not appropriated,” he snapped back.
“Impacted!”
“Impacted, ok, so how many?” I said.
“78 businesses and 36 residents were impacted by the East Village Square Project.” he answered, stoically citing the party line. “Most of which were successfully relocated.”
The way he said “impacted” it sounded as though these people weren’t thrown off their properties and had their buildings obliterated. Impacted sounded as if the only real change in their lives was having to take a detour to work or shutting off water service for a day.
Impacted my ass.
The reason euphemisms like this are relentlessly flung about – by our courts, our dictionaries, our government officials, and our ourselves – is so that we may remain insulated from the true, real harsh reality of whatever it is your are euphenating. And the euphemism I find most offensive is the word “eminent” itself.
American Heritage defines eminence as, “A position of great superiority or royalty. You know, as in, “Yes your eminence,” and “Right away your eminence,” and “Shall I bend over now so you can insert your phallus into my anus your eminence?”
Screw monarchies. Monarchies are dictatorships without the jester. We live in a federal republic; with this Constitution thingy and a Declaration of Indigestion and a right to duly processed cheese – all of which explicitly grants citizens the inalienable right to own land and Kraft Singles. We are a society who claims to protect the individual from getting buggered by the masses and eminent domain is clearly an hypocrisy to these principles on which this country stands.
Still, we want our baseball stadium.
So we dynamite anyone who stands in our way – then fling around euphemisms like dungballs in a retard dorm so that we may continue to look at ourselves in the mirror.
To Hell with euphemisms. Euphemisms keep us from changing our wicked ways. We did not “impact” or “appropriate” or “relocate” these people. We fucked them in the ass – royally! There is no denying
how badly Eminent Domain hurts people. The stories are plentiful. Like the 87 year old woman in North Carolina whose lifelong home was leveled; the anxiety of which put her in the hospital for over two weeks.
In Texas, officials razed the homes of 17 residents for a shopping mall.
In Detroit, hundreds lost their small businesses so that GM could build a new plant. What’s worse, in many of these cases, the city paid the property owners only a tiny fraction of market value, sending some into financial despair.*
Ok, I know, on some level, a society needs this sort of thing. But Jesus Christ ass, it’s supposed to be for city infrastructure shit or hospitals and roads, not baseball! And if we must commit eminent domain upon our fellow citizens, do we have to be so goddam tyrannical about it?
When I am elected King of America, the first thing I will do is rework our eminent domain policy. And the first thing that needs changing is the name. In my kingdom, we don’t use euphemisms. We call things what they really are. So instead of “eminent domain,” it shall be called the “Royally-Fucking-You-In The-Ass” clause.
Also known as “eminent buggery.”
This way, when eminent buggery is declared, we will at least be gentle, and proceed with tenderness and affection – and much lubrication — to make said sodomectomy as painless as possible.
Under my rule, the government must pay eminent buggery victims (let’s call then “Buggards”) market value plus a 15 percent finder’s fee. Buggards shall also be granted certain civic privileges pursuant to their situation. For instance, In addition to a lifetime of free admission to Padre home games, the victims of this East Village Redevelopment ass-burglary will enjoy the following in-stadium privileges:
- Free Hot Dogs and Pretzels throughout game.
- Free Draft Beer.
- Cutting Privileges on all bathroom and concession lines.
- Priority seating: (At any time during the game, a Buggard may tap you on the shoulder and “appropriate” your seat. If he does this, you must reply, “Yes Your Majesty, I was keeping the seat warm for you.”
- Regal Simon Says Privileges: (At any time during the game, a Buggard may place a demand on you by playing the Simon Says game; as in “Simon says – take down your pants and dance and urinate in Centerfield.” If a Buggard says, “Simon says,” you must comply.
- Imperial Foul Ball Recovery: (You must forfeit any caught or recovered foul ball to the first Buggard who claims it, saying, “Yes My Lord, I was keeping the foul ball warm for you.”)
*From
an essay by Larry Salzman, senior writer for the Ayn Rand Institute.
