(Originally published in San Diego CityBeat Summer Guide issue 5.14.08.)
This is a partial list of interesting insects you might see in San Diego County this summer:
1. Jerusalem Cricket (Stenopelmatus fuscus): For the most part insects scare the crap out of me. Unless I am certain that it will not bite, sting, siphon, burrow, prick, infest, infect or inject its eggs into my brain and have the larvae eat my head from the inside out, I basically steer clear of any insect I encounter; especially the scary looking ones, and this Jerusalem cricket looks horrifying.
It is tinted orange with black and orange bands on its body. It looks like an evil Martian cricket sent to invade our planet one venomous sting at a time. The reality, however, is that they do not have poison glands and are not aggressive.
When encountered, I recommend squashing them under your boot until they are but a black and bloody splotch on your memory.
2. Green Fruit Beetle (Cotinis mutabilis): Also known as the June bug, these flying insects will invade your airspace around - you guessed it - June. You've seen them before. They are green and huge and clumsy and dumb. When I moved to San Diego and first witnessed one of those giant, green monstrosities, it scared the living scabies out of me. The way it loudly buzzed around the patio, bumping into everything with a resounding thud, made me mistake its stupidity for fearlessness and thinking it was most certainly coming to lay her eggs into my brainmeat.
Of course, they are utterly harmless, and for that reason, when encountering a June bug, batting them out of the air with a Wiffle Ball bat is recommended.
3. Kissing Bug (Triatoma protracta): This is what infuriates me about some of these insect types. They have these totally harmless sounding names that make you think you could love and trust them, only to find out the reason they call it a kissing bug is because it sucks blood from your lips when you are sleeping.
And that's not even the worst of it. While sucking your lip-blood, it also injects saliva which can cause anaphylactic shock. So you're basically getting a wet, bloody, disease-addled kiss from this creature that you never even invited into your bed in the first place - which is just plain rude.
If encountered, you should shoot and stab it in the face like you would any other home intruder molester type.
4. Termites (Reticulitermes Hesperus): As a home owner, all I have to say about this group of insects is, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!"
When encountered, I recommend putting your house on the market.
5. Argentine Ants (Linepithema humile): I kinda dig ants. I dig their whole colony vibe. As long as they stay outside and don't crawl on my personal skin or personal skin accessories, I'm cool with them - except, of course, those Goddamn Argentine ants. To Hell with them! They are predatory and violent and spreading across the globe via Argentina's agricultural shipping exports. They are the Borg of the insect world. Once they arrived in San Diego, they started attacking and eating all the native ants, which didn't have a chance against the deluge. The SoCal ants were just chilling on the tops of their respective ant hills with a beach chair and a bucket of Corona's when the Argentine's swooped in and ate their asses. This really is a major problem as the invasion is destroying the delicate balance of our local ecology.
When an Argentine ant colony is encountered, pour gasoline into the hole and set it on fire.
6. Golden Garden Spider (Argiope aurantia): I have mixed feelings about spiders. On one hand, they are noble and effective insect destroyers, catching the annoying little buggers in their webs, sucking out their lifeslime, and leaving their emaciated corpses suspended in the web as a message to other insects: Beware all ye who cometh here.
I like that part about spiders. But they're also scary to humans. And, some of them can kill you badly.
Incidentally, I learned something while researching the bugs of summer. Turns out, the brown recluse spider does not inhabit southern California. And to think, all the years I wasted being frightened of the brown recluse. I can't tell you how many gardens I ran screaming from, how many attics and basements I wouldn't go into because I thought I saw a brown recluse sharpening her fangs in there.
Turns out they don't even live here.
But the golden garden spider does. You'll find them primarily in San Diego coastal areas. And, as far as scary appearance goes, the golden garden spider makes the Jerusalem cricket look like a ladybug in a lily field. For one reason, the garden spider is huge. The female grows up to almost an inch long. She's got a fat, yellow and black abdomen and thick black and orange banded legs that have several rows of black hairs running single file toward her feet. Her bite is not deadly to humans but I have no doubt that she would lay her eggs in your brainmeat given half the chance.
When encountered, I recommend enslavement of some sort, since she will catch and kill other bugs for you.
7. Common House Fly (Musca domestica): There are simply no words capable of expressing my fear and loathing of the common house fly. Just the thought of their hairy legs dragging particles of dog excrement and rat dander all over my picnic guacamole bowl makes me turn white. Suffice to say, that guacamole is as good as dead to me.
When encountered, I recommend capture and slow torture - you know, to send a message.
8. Western honeybee (Apis mellifera): I really hope the bees come back soon. Talk about ecological instability. If they stay gone for much longer we'll have to evolve back to lizards and move into the caves.
If encountered, I recommend a ticker-tape parade, with confetti, marching bands, and banners that say, "Welcome back, bees."
Ed Decker
5/14/08