Recently, the House of Representatives' Transportation and Infrastructure Committee advanced a bill that will permanently ban cell-phone use on planes. The bill, which was approved in committee with bipartisan support, will now move to the full House and potentially become law.
Currently, there is a temporary ban on cell-phone calls while airborne. On July 31, the House committee revisited the issue to determine whether to lift the temporary ban. Hence the HANG UP Act (Halting Airplane Noise to Give Us Peace) which, if passed, will fortify the existing airborne ban and extend it to when the plane is on the ground because, according to the committee, cell calls on planes are "unsafe and annoying to passengers."
And Congress would know. Who flies more than politicians? Before the bill came to vote, committee members conveyed their personal cell-phone-on-airplane horror stories, such as the congressman who testified that he was forced to endure a nearby passenger discussing her sex life on the phone (oh, the travesty!). Another conveyed a harrowing tale of a man who was on a mobile phone trying to save his marriage before the plane took off. "It was embarrassing having to listen to all that sobbing and pleading," said the congressman. (Sorry if my unraveling existence is making you uncomfortable, Mr. Representative). And, naturally, the terrorism card was played when yet another member claimed she saw somebody using a cell phone to take pictures of "sensitive areas" of the plane's interior.
There are so many things that are wack about this bill, let's examine them one at a time.
1. Selfish Congress: Ever notice, when members of the House address a problem that offends their personal bubbles of comfort, they get all gung-ho and bipartisan about it. Even the name of the act has an air of selfishness: Halting Airplane Noise to Give Us Peace. Notice it doesn't say, "to Give The People Peace" or "Give Passengers Peace." Rather, it gives Us peace, as in, we, the big important leader-types, need sanctuary from you, the peons. I know the "U" in Us completes the cute acronym, but still...
2. Inconsistent Logic: What's the difference between sitting next to somebody who's speaking on the phone loudly and sitting next to two people having a loud face-to-face conversation? Seems to me the problem is volume and that the ban--if one must be imposed--should be on loud talking, whether on a phone or not.
3. Terrorist Photography: The anecdote about the passenger (read: terrorist) taking pictures of the plane's interior is fear-mongering personified. I'm quite certain the terrorists know what the insides of planes look like by now. Or do they?
Somewhere, in a cave in Afghanistan:
Terrorist: "I have returned from my mission, Osama."
Osama Bin Laden: "Excellent! Did you take photos of inside of plane?"
Terrorist: "Yes, Mr. Laden. Americans are stupid like Siberian dung rats. Look at these sensitive pictures they let me take: Here is picture of head rest, and here is photograph of window, and this thing here is called a bathroom. Note the ingenious technology. Apparently this latch can alternate between displaying 'Occupied' and 'Unoccupied.' I believe we can disassemble this device."
OBL: "Good work, my little jihadist! Did you take pictures of overhead compartments?"
Terrorist: "Oh crap, I forgot."
OBL: "You are dumb as Kashmir cave bat! Go back and take more."
Terrorist: "But, B.L., the Americans have just passed law. We cannot use cell phones, even when plane is on ground."
OBL: "Then use a digital camera, ye who is dense as hoof of goat."
Terrorist: "Hmm, a camera? Of course! Cameras are still totally legal--stupid Americans!"
4. Eavesdropping Gold Mine: Being one of the world's most prolific and blatant eavesdroppers, I, for one, would be stoked to overhear somebody talking about their sex life. Just picture it. You've been flying for half a day, bored to convulsions, the flight attendant cut you off hours ago, the only thing to look at is the male pattern bald spot of the guy sitting in front of you and the in-flight movie is Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties. All I'm saying is, if the woman sitting next to me started talking about how she and her boyfriend invited a team of midget rodeo clowns into their bed the night before, I would get on my knees and thank the deity for such a great and glorious gift as that.
5. Be Careful What You Ask For: Which is worse, overhearing a stranger's personal conversation or being involved in a personal conversation with that stranger? Personally, I would rather listen to a woman describing the scabies infection on her husband's nutsack for an entire flight than have to tolerate her, What-do-you-do-where-are-you-from small-talk interrogation.
6. Safety Hazard: Unless you accidentally drop your talker directly down someone's esophagus, causing him to choke to death, there is no cell-phone safety issue when the plane is grounded. There's no safety issue when the plane is airborne, either. Cell phones operate on an entirely different frequency range than the navigation equipment. That's why the European Commission approved cell-phone use in European airspace. They use rational thought, not fear mongering, to compose laws.
Honestly, Congress, you simply must ban this tendency of yours to ban everything that annoys you or that you think annoys us. How about, instead, we all just deal with these minor social inconveniences our own damn selves? Is that woman who's chatting all sexy-sexy on the phone flustering you? Well, just start rubbing yourself and breathing heavy while she talks. Gaze lasciviously at her breasts and whisper, "Hey, lady, could you repeat the part about the midget clowns again?"
Isn't that a far more original and effective way to handle life's minor annoyances than to be yet another predictable lummox whose answer for every problem is to ban, banish, blackball, bash or bomb it right out of existence?
Comments (3)
If Congress is so concerned about halting airplane noise, how about banning the small, screaming children. I'd much rather listen to some woman's erotic encounter with rodeo midgets than listen to a baby scream. I think it's only fair that if you're going to ban cell phones, little kids should be banned as well.
Posted by lateraleye | August 26, 2008 11:47 PM
Posted on August 26, 2008 23:47
Exactly my point, once we start outlawing things that annoys us, then everything will eventually get banned cuz everything annoys somebody.
Posted by edwin decker | August 27, 2008 1:28 PM
Posted on August 27, 2008 13:28
Well as a hardworking member of Congress I have to say you don't understand the immense pressure I am under each day, 24 hours a day, making and passing laws. Just today I was jumping hurdles in crunch time trying to put together a bill to give members of Congress a large raise. I was also trying to put something together that would have all members of congress have their fuel costs, both heating and transportation, paid for by the government. It was shot down and I was devastated. In my depressive state I had to take a plane trip, first class passage paid for by lobbyist unnamed, to a golf outing in Scotland. On this trip I was forced to listen to a man talking on the cell phone while waiting in line for the restroom. The bathroom in his econo section of the plane was out of order. He was weeping to his spouse about how he could not make his mortgage payments and how his financial holdings had lost 95 percent of their value. I finally just had to give this imbecile a piece of my mind. Now I don't do this often. I said "Excuse me sir but I am a member of Congress. I have been working very hard today and have tasted some stiff disappointment. Please stop talking about your nonsense you piteous fool, you god damned sad sap, we all have problems - GROW UP!" I then asked him to return to his portion of the plane. As he walked away I hollered in frustration that if he wanted relief, financial or bodily function wise, he could drink his own urine.
As a member of Congress I am appalled at people's lack of sensitivity to my situation. This bill is a must for congressional safety and peace of mind.
Thank you.
Peace out Edwin, I love your work
JT in Philly Pa
Posted by JT | October 19, 2008 11:20 AM
Posted on October 19, 2008 11:20