“I am not a citizen of the world. I think the entire concept is intellectual nonsense and stunningly dangerous!” —Newt Gingrich
Wow, Newt, you really are a retard.
Now, it should be noted that I do not intend for the word “retard” to be insulting to our mentally handicapped brothers and sisters (Newt gives retards a bad name); rather, “retarded” is meant in its truer, original sense, as in, “regressive,” “stunted” and / or “expressing non-progressive thinking or behavior.” Because that’s exactly what this is—yet another flailing neo-conservative, detached from power and still clinging to the same, goonish, approach to global affairs that nearly ruined us in the first place.
“I am not a citizen of the world.”
What a stupid, pompous, myopic, protectionist, exceptionalist, isolationist, elitist, egotistic, narcissistic, regressive, recessive, rootin’-tootin’ retarded thing to say.
First of all, Newt, by definition you are a citizen of the world. You may not be a willing citizen, but you are most definitely a citizen. And this notion you have, that Americans should only care about Americans and everyone else can suck your salty jowls, well, the entire concept is intellectual nonsense and stunningly dangerous.
Think it through, man. Unless you’re planning to move to Venus anytime soon, you will remain a citizen of this planet. Doesn’t it make sense, then, to be positive, productive and engaged since what happens in the world affects you, your family and your country?
Newt, dude, didn’t you know? The world is a neighborhood. Not that you know anything about neighborhoods being that you probably live behind barb-wired walls with gun towers, tire spikes and three-headed hell-hounds poised to gnash the throats of any Girl Scout interlopers who wander by. However, for the rest of us, who live in regular houses on regular streets, we have these things called “neighbors,” and we know the value of having and being a good one.
We know the value of having and living near a well-maintained homestead, with a trimmed yard and clean sidewalk. We know the value of living near the kind of neighbor who always has a cup of sugar to loan, smiles when you pass them on the street and plans their keg parties with regard for those who have to get up for work the next the morning. We know it’s much better to have and be that kind of neighbor than to be the miserly old grump whose yard is overgrown with weeds, hogs two parking spaces with one car and yells at any kids who hit a baseball onto his property. But this miserly old grump is exactly who Newt Gingrich wants America to be in the world neighborhood, and, by God, thanks to the Bush administration, that’s exactly who we are, because when that ’tard was in office, the whole freaking planet hated our guts.
“I am not a citizen of the world.”
This mindset also goes to the heart of the Guantanamo problem. I was having an argument the other night with a friend of a friend. His position was that the detainees don’t deserve American rights, such as due process, habeas corpus and the rest.
“So you want to give the guys who plotted 9/11 the same rights as American citizens?” he asked. The question is the reddest of herrings. He’s equating al-Qaeda with law-abiding American citizens. That’s the wrong comparison. The right comparison would be: “So you want to give accused foreigners the same rights as accused Americans?”
The answer to which is, “Yes. Duh.”
Dick Cheney said the same thing: “The Obama administration wants to give terrorists the same rights as U.S. citizens.”
No, fucknuggets, listen! We’re saying that it’s wrong to incarcerate people—whether accused of terrorism, murder, racketeering or rape; whether they live in America, Iraq, Afghanistan or on Venus—without proving they did anything wrong!
Seven years. That’s how long some of these people have been rotting in that hothouse. Seven years without access to lawyers, courtrooms, due process etc. But, hey, they’re not Americans, so why should we care?
The great Irony of Newt’s comment is that he unknowingly insulted Ronald Reagan, the reigning hero of the Retardlican Party. In a 1982 speech to the U.N., he said, “I speak today as both a citizen of the United States and of the world.”
Say what you want about President Reagan, he did at least one humongously awesome thing during his tenure. He was instrumental in bringing down the Berlin Wall and ending the Cold War, largely because he had much of the world behind him. To extend the neighborhood metaphor, it was as if the miserly old grump had finally gone too far and erected a 50-foot, razor-clawed, blood-dripping effigy of Freddie to frighten all the children, and Reagan calmly gathered all the neighbors, marched over to the miser’s house, and shouted from the sidewalk, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that scarecrow!”
Oh, Newt, Dick, George, don’t you see? It didn’t work. The American people—and the world—rejected your boorish worldview, and because of that, you were stripped of power. Had you played nice a little, had you listened and talked more than you tortured and warmongered, you might still be in power. Of course, it’s your stubborn, egotistic mindset that blinds you to that fact. So you cling to your old, wrong ideas and never grow or change, which makes you a bunch of retarded retards.
Originally published in SD CityBeat
Mr. Decker
As a member of congress I want to begin by saying you don’t understand the immense talent and leadership gifts Mr. Gingrich possesses. I know he is by far the most beloved figure in American Culture today and is more important and vibrant than he ever was. He remains in an elite group of leaders along with George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln.
Newt Gingrich is not a member of the world community; he is member of the American community. A community that upholds the values and laws of Hammurabi’s code and is so vast in power and greatness it need not participate in the world around it. Mr. Gringrich’s America is the quarterback that does not need the team, the Jimi Hendrix that does not need a guitar, the Fred Astaire that does not need Ginger Rogers, the Peanut butter that does not need Jelly, or the Tiger that does not need Woods.
The world community needs to understand that America is the birthplace of the cotton gin, that America won the battle of 1812, that we can flush our toilet paper, that we are the original innovators and enablers of the global economic downturn born of the subprime mortgage crisis, we believe school shootings are not a problem, and, more importantly, if people are getting blown up or getting hurt or being mistreated by us that is not our problem or our priority. What is our priority is watching pseudo reality TV such as American Idol and masturbating profusely to pornography while diddling our own rectums. In short America is special and the rules of regular behavior do not apply. The world is here to serve us.
Mr. Gingrich is the last great ambassador to the world community that America has. He is the only man whose bladder fills with wisdom, and whose bowels explode with passionate eruptions of common sense. He is the final, ultimate man of the American dream, our last magnificent father, his Political loins seek only to propagate the lineage of American preeminence in the world’s womb that has been made barren by its blasphemous disregard for our, and his, unchallengeable superiority.
Mr. Decker, your comments on Mr. Gingrich are despicable and you should hang your head in shame. You call yourself a man but are a sham. In fact you are a shim! You refuse straight from the backside of actor Paul Reubens or American heretic Benedict Arnold. You think Richard Marx is real music. You are a disgrace to Mr. Gingrich and an abomination to his unadulterated heroism, sacrifice, courage, appetite, selflessness, generosity and great thrusting spasms of political coitus in making America the great nation that it is.
Thank you.
Peace out Edwin, just a reminder I love your work.
Once again,
JT in Philadelphia Pa
Retardlican party!!! Good one.
just because you apologize before using the word retard doesn’t make it right.
It makes you even more of a bully because you know ahead of time that what you are saying could and is hurtful to someone. In this case, you used a word that your “mentally handicapped brothers and sisters” have asked you not to use. But, whatever, they’re just retards to you, right? I mean, can they even read???
What you have done is worse than someone who just uses the word and doesn’t give it a seconds thought You act like you care but you’re really a phony at the end of the day.
Wow, wow, wow Mike. I mean, sure, we can disagree on whether any use of the word retard is acceptable but to say that I am a phony, or that I think, “Whatever, they are just retards to me,” is ludicrous, and utterly wrongheaded since you don’t know me. Thanks for stopping by though and dropping your two cents.