As the country rages over whether homosexuals should be permitted to marry, I feel a need to weep. There is so much name calling and finger pointing on both sides that it seems there can be no answer to which everyone will agree.
Or is there?
It just so happens that we here at the Sordid Tales Department of Social Engineering have the solution to this controversial cultural conflict. It’s called Marriage with an Asterisk. Problem solved.
Seems to me, the reason that homosexuals desire the right to marry is to enjoy the same privileges as everyone else and really to just be included in society, while the reason others oppose it is because they think there is something very wrong with homosexuals and including them into normal society is about as horrifying to them as having Lindsay Lohan babysit their kids
.
So where can a compromise be found? Marriage with an Asterisk of course.
I think Married* should be the legal designation of a union between two members of the same sex. The county clerk could stamp an asterisk on their marriage license and from there-on-out the new couple should use asterisks on whatever other formal documents and applications they may sign during the life of the union.
Such as, “In case of emergency please contact my husband*” Or “What’s your Marital Status?: single, divorced, married or married*?”
It’s truly the best of both worlds. With Marriage with an Asterisk, we can still allow gays to marry, and glean all the legal rights and benefits that come with it, but with an asterisk attached to signal to the bigots and homophobes of the world that there is something different about this particular couple so that they may continue fearing and loathing them in their usual bigoted, homophobic manner.
That’s what it’s all about right? To allow homosexuals to marry each other is basically normalizing this type of relationship. And if we start sending that message, well what’s to keep everyone from going gay? I ask you, what’s to keep everyone from simultaneously leaving their jobs and families to go racing off into the forest to find the great homo swimming hole and diving in and splashing and thrashing around with gayphoria while civilization goes to Hell in a Hummer.
Sordid Tales understands your concerns.
But even the most carbuncle-brained homophobe can recognize that, as much as he fears and loathes the spread of homosexuality, it’s still probably wrong to deny them the basic human rights that marriage allows everyone else: like Power of Attorney, or inheritance rights, or the right to go on a scandalous humping binge while your wife* is home cooking dinner.
Hence Marriage with an Asterisk.
For instance, let’s say I am a bigot who owns property. What if someone of a homo persuasion dropped off a rental application with only “Married” written under the “marital status” section? How am I supposed to know not to rent to him and his husband*? The next thing you know my quiet little family compound turns into a Roman bathhouse: with greased-up, torch-bearing gladiators walking around in skimpy armor and the constant, throbbing cacophony of techno music and bleating farm animals keeping us awake all night.
However, if he listed his marital status as Married* then I would know that it would not be prudent to rent to this couple; even though it would technically be illegal to deny them (on the grounds of their sexuality). See how beautiful that is? This way I, the individual, may continue forth in my canker-brained bigoted ways, while at the same time the government can remain neutral on social issues.
Marriage with an Asterisk.
It’s like when we freed the slaves in 1862. We didn’t actually set them free. We set them free with an Asterisk. Because freedom without an asterisk means that we don’t make them drink from a different water fountain and we don’t routinely round up lynch mobs to keep them in check; because everybody knows a free* Negro is less dangerous than a free one.
I think we should employ the asterisk more often in this society. An asterisk helps us maintain a neutral position; like when we say, “Michael Jackson sleeps* with boys.” And maybe if President Bush had said that Iraq’s threat to America was imminent*, he wouldn’t be in the soup right now. And then there is, perhaps, mankind’s most valuable application of the asterisk: an asterisk on love.
You know that awkward moment in a new relationship, the first time your new boy or girlfriend says the L word to you and you don’t know yet if you can say the L word back? Well now you can say it — with an asterisk.
“Honey, I think I’m in love with you – coo, coo.”
“I love* you too babe.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“It means that I love you, but I still look at other women, but I won’t sleep with them (unless they let me) and even if I do, it still doesn’t mean I love them, or even love* them for that matter — I only love* you.
“Oh babe, that’s so sweet*”
See how useful that tiny little star is? Each one of them is like a hit of Ecstasy. It just makes everyone so happy. No more fighting over who loves who, no more hidden political double speak, no more arguing over who should be permitted to marry whom.
It’s marriage with an asterisk people, and everybody wins.
Move into the next century US. Accept Gays and Lesbian people as PEOPLE, and let them get married like everyone else. It won’t hurt you, worry about what’s going on in your own bedroom.
And quit hogging the pretzels, eh.
– Canada
PS
… and decriminalize cannabis too. 1 joint is not a crime, but thats another discussion.
Um, yeah, that was my point Canada – guess you guys don’t get the whole satire thingy, eh?
FREE CANNABIS!
Satire received loud and clear Decker.
The comment wasn’t directed at you, it was directed at the crusty bureaucracy that should spend a lot less time worrying about what consenting adults do behind closed doors.
I enjoy your blog, keep up the good work.