There is a word that keeps getting used, for some inexplicable reason, to describe the tragedy at Virginia Tech. That word is "unspeakable." It's something I just sort of noticed. You know how that happens, when a word keeps popping up for a reason you can't explain? That's how it was for me. I started noticing all these broadcast news-types using the word unspeakable to describe the slaughter. Today I heard a news gal on MSNBC say, "The family of Cho Seung-Hui are devastated by the unspeakable tragedy at Virginia Tech." On the Huffington Post, Dan Brown (not of Da Vinci fame) wrote, "The political response to the unspeakable tragedy at Virginia Tech can go two ways. . ."

Then there is this headline from the CBC News: "Ottawa-born Virginia Tech Professor Recalls 'Unspeakable Tragedy.'" I find that headline to be funny because of how it could easily be translated as, "Ottawa Professor Speaks About Unspeakable Things."

Well, even now in the early hours of yet another disastrous school shooting, with the fog of war still hovering over the Virginia Tech Campus, and the investigation only digging up more questions than answers, there is one thing that we can be sure of…

It's time to update the phrase "Going postal" to something more relevant to today's times. Gone are the days when disgruntled postal workers shot up their disgruntled employees and bosses in a last act of desperate, disgruntled rage. These days it's all about school shootings and thus, the phrase "going postal" needs to be asscanned.

Problem is, I haven't been able to come up with a suitable replacement. I thought of "Going schoolyard," but that implies that the rampage happened in grade school, which isn't always the case. I also thought of "Going homeroom" but again, that's a lower level of education thing, and quite silly. "Bringing home the homework" is too long, and far too silly. So I'm really drawing a blank here. Anyone got any suggestions?

Ok man, I'm really digging this Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip video/tune, "Thou Shalt Always Kill."
In fact I'm probably digging it more than most. However, has anyone noticed the glaring conflict in the lyrics? The most famous stanza in the song is when he rants, "Thou shall not put musicians on ridiculous pedestals: The Beatles -- were just a band, Led Zeppelin -- just a band, Beach Boys -- just a band," etc.

But in the beginning of the song he says, "Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Decker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Syd Barret in vain."

Come on people, let's tighten up that songwriting shall we?

Whatever, this thing still rocks your assgrapes.

10) She's actually agreed to meet with your 40-year old, fat, middle aged ass

9) Screen name is Chris_Hansen_undercover123

8) Asks you to bring condoms, alcohol, and your lawyer's business card

7) Knows what a "dirty sanchez" is

6) Wants to know if you wouldn't mind including Dan Rather for a threesome

5) When you ask what alcoholic beverages she likes to drink, she answers "Glenfiddich, neat"

4) Seems to understand and even LOL's at your joke about the U.S. senate hearing with Attorney General Alberto Gonzales

3) When you talk on the phone her voice sounds like that guy on TV who catches all those terrible pedophiles

2) You arrive at her house and there are cookies and lemonade waiting for you. Get out now!

1) ???

That's all I could come up with. I need an entry for number one. Anyone care to contribute?

HBO continues to kick ass. The Sopranos is gone, yes, but the new season of Big Love is kicking serious anus. Plus the new series, John from Cincinnati is showing early signs of brilliance also.

And while I wait for the return of the second funniest comedy in human history (Curb Your Enthusiasm) another new, moderately disturbed, utterly dazzling, hilarious comedy show is holding pattern. It's called Flight of the Conchords, named after the New Zealand parody singer/songwriter duo that write it and star in it. Flight of the Conchords is a sitcom about a New Zealand rock band who recently relocated to New York to get gigs and meet women. It has clever dialogue with obvious Monty Python influences, interspersed with music videos relevant to the scene in which it appears.

Here are two examples…

1. The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room

2. I'm not Crying

Here are a couple not from their show, but from random appearances on Australian television

3. The Humans are Dead

4.The Hiphopopotamus vs. the Rhymenoceros

I just wanted to say how proud I am of San Diego Padre fans for not buying into the bullshit boycott of Petco Park. The boycott was headed by James "Assface" Hartline because the Padres had the audacity to allow a gay pride event on the same night as a children's floppy hat giveaway.

When I read that I said "Fuck yeah" out loud.

Well, I think I know where all the bees went – they're headed to Sturgis, South Dakota.

The reason I think this is because, after nearly an entire spring without seeing one bee, I witnessed a most peculiar scenario involving hundreds of honeybees and a funky hive they were building.

I was tending afternoon bar at Winston's Beach Club in Ocean Beach when a guy parked his motorcycle a few feet from the front door. About 20 minutes after he parked, a swarm of honeybees started gathering on his bike.

They began to form a hive at the top of the front wheel forks. I didn't see it at first but the doorman came inside the bar and said, "Come check this out," so I went outside to see a mass of bees squirming and undulating on the front end of the motorcycle while several hundred more flew around the area, coming and going and acting as though nothing strange was going on.

So, on the heels of banning the N-word, another New York City Council member named Darlene Mealy is pushing to ban the B-word and the H-word.

What a cunt!

This word ban thing is getting so out of hand. 20 out of 51 Council members have signed the resolution. Accck! Forget the most obvious reason not to ban the word, which is that pesky First Amendment thing. Forget even that “bitch” and “ho” have meanings other than a chick who is pissing you off or balling your friends.

Have you seen this guy on America's Got Talent yet? He's fricking amazing. His name is Terry Fator and he's a singing ventriloquist impersonator. Don't let that scare you, he's wicked good. Also, check this one out and feel the chill when he busts into Louis Armstrong. Here's another. On this one, stick around for the second song (Roy Orbison) and get blown away!

Cash'd Out wins 20K at Ultimate Music Challenge

[Blogger's note: Last week I posted an article on CityBeat's blog (called Last Blog on Earth) that attracted a modicum of debate. The blog was about a battle of the bands contest at Viejas called Ultimate Music Challenge for which I was the judge. Naturally there was some controversy over whom we selected as the winner. What follows is the original post. Below that is a link to the subsequent comments].

Holy crap! You are not gonna believe this video. Do yourselves a favor and don’t read the small description at the top of the screen. Just sit back and let the story unfold before your eyes. It is unbelievable.

Did you catch the Sean Hannity interview with Fred Thompson on Hannity and Colmes yesterday? The man is utterly uninteresting, poorly-spoken, and actually a little nervous in the spotlight (not that I was voting for him anyway).

I’ll tell you what I found to be the most annoying aspect of the thing. It was how they billed the interview as “Exclusive First Interview with Fred and Jeri Thompson." Indeed that’s what they had at the bottom of the screen, in all caps, for nearly the whole interview, for all of us to look at with pride and amazement of Fox’s exclusivity arrangement.

OK, for starters, I have always hated how the news media touts various interviews as being “exclusive.” They say it as though it’s some sort of benefit to us, the audience. But what exclusive really means is, “We did whatever we had to make sure that nobody else gets this interview,” which really -- since they have denied anyone else from interviewing the subject -- only reduces the information we may consume about him or it.

I’m not saying they shouldn’t try to get exclusives, sure, that makes good sense, but to brag it as this great favor to us that we should celebrate is bullshit since exclusivity only serves the media outlet in question and, in effect, screws us.

Still, it’s the industry norm so, whatever.

But this Fox tag line really bugs. “Exclusive first interview,” is dishonestly redundant. What does it even mean? That he’s not doing any other “first” interviews with anyone else? Of course not, duh! You can only do one first interview. And Thompson’s first interview happened to be with Fox, which should have been billed simply as a, “First interview.”

It’s a total manipulation of language. Because Fox News knew they weren’t going to keep Thompson from doing interviews with other media outlets. He’s a goddamn presidential candidate for crying out loud! Exclusives are usually reserved for one-timers in the news world. You know, a person who survived a plane crash perhaps, or a witness in a high-profile murder case. You can’t do an exclusive on Presidential candidates because they’re jumping at the bit for coverage. They would never agree to it. So Fox called it an “Exclusive first Interview” to make it seem as though they have more juice than they actually do because Fox News is more about licking it’s own balls than legitimately covering the news.

So The Bounty Hunter doesn't want his son dating black chicks. Oh man. They should do to The Dog what Michael Vick did to his: Put him in a cage, torture him, mount him on the rape-machine, make him fight other social retards to the death, and, if he survives, slam his body on the concrete a few times before drowning him.

Ok, I don’t really believe that. But what a douche!

On the tape he says that he doesn't mean the N-word in the bad way, and follows with, "I'm not going to take a chance . . . of losing everything I've worked for, for 30 years because of some fucking nigger."

Ha ha pal. It wasn’t the black girl that ruined your life, it was your own black soul.

The longer your live -- the more you realize what a sonovabitch God can be. First, he starts a series of raging wildfires in southern California to punish us for tolerating gays and the ACLU, then he comes down to Earth to save a few things from the fire. So what does he decide to save? His own damn book.

Yeah, this family's entire house burnt down but they're calling it a miracle that a bible survived. Oh it's a miracle all right. It's a miracle anybody still worships this selfish jerk!

It feels like I'm living in a different world than the world in which I was living yesterday: A world where the Giants are a mediocre team, a world in which Eli Manning is a mediocre quarterback and everybody hates him, where Tom Coughlin is crappy head coach, Michael Strahan an aging, about-to-retire-without-a-ring football has been.

The world in which I was living yesterday was a terrible, terrible world to be in. A world where a raving asshole like Bill Belichick is revered as some great man instead of the low class tyrant he is, where a team from my most hated epicenter of evil -- Boston, Massachussetts -- was about to be labeled the best football team in history, a world where dickheads like Randy Moss get to boast about how great he is and gets rewarded for it by a God rotten enough to allow such a person to excel.

Here is the atrocious political comment du jour by a presidential candidate. It’s from Senator McCain about Senator Clinton’s war plan she laid out at the last debate:

“…The statements made by Senator Clinton,” said McCain, “about setting a specific date for [withdrawing troops from Iraq] is the first time, I think, in American political history, that a candidate of a major political party has advocated surrender.”

He’s been throwing around this, “Democrats want to surrender” crap since the start of the surge.

Apparently John McCain doesn’t know what the word surrender means. Because Senator Clinton is not suggesting the troops lay down their weapons, throw up their hands and deliver themselves to the mercy of the enemy. Nor does she propose that we abandon our overall war against extreme Islamic terrorists.

We’ve been told over and over that the war on terror has many fronts and that Iraq is just one of them. If that’s true then getting out of Iraq isn’t surrender. It’s a strategic retreat. Because if things on a particular front are hopeless, or, if that particular front is worthless in terms of military or strategic value, or, both -- as is the case with Iraq -- then the smart thing to do is retreat from that front and put your resources where they can be more effective.

You think a war hero would know the difference between retreat and surrender. Actually, he probably does know the difference. I’m quite certain McCain knows “surrender” is not what Clinton is advocating. But it doesn’t matter to him because it serves his agenda to portray Hillary as weak, timid, and afraid.

I don’t care much for Hillary Clinton, but she’s far from weak, timid or afraid.

An Open Letter to Yankee Fans Who are Upset about the David Ortiz Jersey Prank

Dear Yankee fans,

Get a freaking grip. Any of you who are whining about the Boston fan (Gino Castignoli) who buried a David Ortiz jersey under a cement slab in the new Yankee stadium, needs to look up the word “prank” in the dictionary and take a freaking pill of chillness.

C’mon, you have to admit, for a Red Sox fan with limited cranial capacity, that was a pretty good one.

So stop yer cryin. You’re a Yankee fan man! Time to do what a real Yankee fan would do, which is plan a little payback prank of your own.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Secretly replace all the urinal mats in Fenway bathrooms with new urinal mats that have the Red Sox logo on the underside.

2. During Yankee games at Fenway, hire a plane to fly a banner over the stadium with the following two words: “BUCKY DENT.” (For Mets’ games, the banner should say, “BILL BUCKNER.”)

3. Tell Manny Ramirez that the league has decided to allow 4 strikes for every at bat. Don’t worry, Manny’ll believe it.

4. At the next Fenway home game, bind and gag and stuff into a closet whoever is supposed to throw the honorary first pitch. Have David Tyree throw it instead.

And last but not least,

5. Bury a David Ortiz jersey under a cement slab in Fenway – with David Ortiz still in it!

That’s all I have for now, anyone else?

Hey friends, I just thought, since I was involved, that I’d give you all a follow about the Performance Slam we had at the California Center for the Arts, Escondido. I wanted to fill you in on how it went and who took home the grand prize.

And the winner was….

It was me!

Can you believe it?

Me me me me me me me!

I won!

Me!

Seriously, I NEVER thought I had a chance at winning this thing. Ask Michael. I told him I was certain the crowd was going to drag me off the podium and dismember me alive after I read my piece.

Here’s the back story, please forgive the braggadocio.

I was watching a rerun of American History X on Spike TV today.

There was a flashback scene at his family dinner table when Derek Vinyard (Edward Norton) was talking about a black teacher who was discussing civil rights and reparations in class.

In response, Derek’s racist father said it was just, “More nigger bull shit.”

Well that’s what he intended to say. Being this was on television, the censors were not about to let such offensive language get through. So they excised the offensive word and dubbed in a nicer, softer replacement.

Instead of saying “more nigger bull shit,” what we heard was, “more nigger bull crap”

Yep, that’s right. They left in the word “nigger,” And took out the word, “shit.” Because, you know, a normal and necessary bodily function is just sooooo much more offensive than the word that conjures the systematic murder, rape and enslavement of an entire race.

Shit is the offensive word?

What is wrong with this country?

Look, I know why they left the N-word in. It’s because the movie was about white supremacists and that’s how they speak. But really, the FCC must know that shit isn’t in nigger’s ballpark when it comes to being offensive. So what’s the point of banning either of them?

It’s all so arbitrary and absurd.