[Bloggers note: I will be regularly adding new quotes to this list]

1. Oh Newt Gingrich, if hypocrisy was a donkey, you’d be its asshole.
2. I don’t blame believers for spreading The Word as they tend to do. Truth is, if I were to believe in that stuff–If I believed that there’s a great ancient king who sits in a throne overlooking a city on the clouds, where the houses are carved from giant strawberries and a river of peach nectar runs through the village square, and all you have to do to live in this fantastic city is to heed the king, but if you don’t heed the king, then you go to this other city, down below, where it rains boiling blood all day and the vapors from a lake of fire melt your eyeballs over and over again, for eternity—then, yeah, you bet, every freaking column I were to write till the day I die would be about accepting Jesus Christ as my personal savior and how to stay the hell out of Hell.
3. … because some people might not think this country is all that great. Take homosexuals. What has this country ever done for them except marginalize, dehumanize and criminalize their lifestyle? If I were queer and attending a baseball game, not only would I not remove my hat during “The Star Spangled Banner”—I’d make sure the hat I wore had a giant, foam donkey dick on top, which I would stroke with both hands during the entire anthem, as if to say, “Got your ‘land of the free’ right here, bitches!”
4. When the First Amendment breaks wind, all the other amendments look up from what they’re doing and say, “Hey now! Who brought me flowers?”
5. Ever been leg-humped by a dog before? Me? I’ve been leg-humped more times than any person I know. I may not be all that attractive to humans, but in the LGBT community (Labradors, Greyhounds, Beagles and Terriers) I’m considered to be one hot bitch.
6. Some friends have asked me, “Why not just get a vasectomy?” Well excuse me as I expel chocolate milk from my nostrils. Just a vasectomy? Yeah, right. That’s like saying, “Why not just get a face-botomy.” There’s just no “just” about it. I would never elect to do anything to my penis that ends in ectomy or botomy.
7. I don’t believe we should outlaw leaf blowers. I just think they should be manufactured with the exhaust tube aimed at the user’s face.
8. I always question authority, even if its only to ask Authority where the keg is located.
9. Sometimes I want to put my arms around the world and hug it but I can’t because the coral in the Great Barrier Reef would shred my armpits.
10. Have you ever tried to cut off an off-duty bartender? It’s like taking a banana away from a baboon.
11. Let them see that cheating is human nature and there is nothing wrong with human nature. Let them know that maybe, just maybe, what is wrong is this unreasonable demand to be ever-faithful when every grain of your humanity is screaming, “Get some strange! Get some strange!”
12. Yeah, um, no, I’m telling you, you teach your kids to curse. Tell them, “Children, go forth and curse righteous! But remember, like everything thing else in this world, foul language is best delivered in moderation. Use your four-letter words sparingly. And don’t forget to mix it up. Don’t just use the F-word, use the S-word, too. And the P-word, and the A-word. Remember to use all the delightful nuggets in the J-word series, and D-words, and even the B-word, though never against women, unless they are total C-words.”
13. (more…)