[Author's note: The Possum King originally appeared as 3 separate columns because of space constraints. I posted them together here as one story because that's really what it was].

Part 1: First Encounter
The following is a tale of a great war. It was an epic war. The following is an epic tale of an epic war that was totally and utterly epic and as such, can not be relayed within the confines of a single column. Indeed this week’s column isn’t even about the war. Rather, it is about the events that preceded it. I will do my best to refrain from embellishing.

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My neighbor just returned from a war. I noticed something different about him right away–an edge that I hadn’t noticed before. It wasn’t a drastic change. Nor was it concrete. It wasn’t something you could see or grab, only feel, like a bullet whizzing by your ear.

And what of this edge? What tragedies lay behind it? What sort of experiences are so profound that they can alter a human being’s personality, even slightly?

“My name is Corporal Seth Reil of the United States Marine Corps,” he said lighting the first of a dozen Camel Lights he would smoke during our interview. “I work with the military working dogs. My dog was trained for attacking and also finding explosives. My unit worked in eastern Ramadi in the al-Anbar province.”

Reil and his unit were stationed in a small combat outpost known as an FOB (Forward Observing Base). The dogs and the dog handlers all lived together in a hardened building called The Hooch.

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[Full Disclosure Part 1: Decker is currently on staff with the Southern California Writers' Conference. Take that into account when he blubbers on and on about how great it is. See end of article for special discount offer.]

About 25 million years ago, when monkeys ruled the earth, I wrote a novel. That book – which I furiously banged out on a Brother word processor, day and night, until the carpal tunnel spread to my neck, spine and colon – was a giant kettle of crap. And I don’t mean the kind of crap that most first time novelists produce due to inexperience, rather, the kind of crap that exists within the writer’s DNA, the kind of crap that no amount of experience or workshopping can ever flush – this crap was the kind of crap about which the Mother of All Craps could be proud.
“That’s my boy!” the Mother of All Craps was often heard saying about this novel.
Not having a predilection toward delusions of grandeur, I permanently shelved the tome and sought a career in journalism. This way, I could still be an author without having to write, or revisit, or even think about – ugh - books.

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(Originally published in SD CityBeat Summer Guide Issue 5/14/08)

1. “Hello, may I rub lotion on your nose?”

2. “Playing doctor is for kids. Let’s play Lifeguard!”

3. “If I said you had a beautiful rescue tube, would you hold it against me?”

4. “Do you know the difference between an orgasm and the breast stroke? You don’t!? Well let’s go swimming.”

5. “This mouth isn’t going to resuscitate itself!”

6. “Your lifeguard stand or mine?”

7. “You know, a deep, dark tan would look really hot on you – by the way, my name’s Tan.”

8. Hand the lifeguard a piece of paper with your number and a note that says, “Help! I’m drowning in a sea of losers – please call me.”

9. “I’m new in town. Could you show me the way to your heart?”

10. “I’m not much of a swimmer. Can you teach me your strokes?

11. “Do you want to see my new dive? It’s called the, “Holy-crap-you-are-so-hot-will-you-marry-me,” triple gainer.

12. “Do lifeguards carry handcuffs?”

13. “Your name must be Ripp Tyde because when I look into your eyes I drift away.”

14. “Wanna go into the water with me and check out the swell?”

10) She’s actually agreed to meet with your 40-year old, fat, middle aged ass

9) Screen name is Chris_Hansen_undercover123

Asks you to bring condoms, alcohol, and your lawyer’s business card

7) Knows what a “dirty sanchez” is

6) Wants to know if you wouldn’t mind including Dan Rather for a threesome

5) When you ask what alcoholic beverages she likes to drink, she answers “Glenfiddich, neat.”

4) Seems to understand and even LOL’s at your joke about the U.S. senate hearing with Attorney General Alberto Gonzales

3) When you talk on the phone her voice sounds like that guy on TV who catches all those terrible pedophiles

2) You arrive at her house and there are cookies and lemonade waiting for you. Get out now!

1) ???
That’s all I could come up with. I need an entry for number one. Anyone care to contribute?