A journalist I know was polling men for a feature story she was working on. It was one of those man-on-the-street type of articles in which everyone’s asked the same question and the responses are printed.

The question was this: “What’s the worst advice you’ve ever received about dating.”
I told her, “Oh crap–that’s easy!” The worst advice I have ever received was, “Don’t give up on love.”

It’s inevitable. Whether there’s some new girl you adore who’s not reciprocating or a long-term girlfriend who’s tired of your horseshit, there’s always some idiot in your life telling you not to give up on love, as though you’re John Cusack with a boombox outside love’s window.

“Don’t give up” is the second worst piece of dating advice ever. There’s another name for guys who don’t give up on their romantic interests. They’re called “stalkers” and stalking is wrong, unless of course, you’re John Cusack with a boom box, in which case it’s romantic.

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(Originally published in SD CityBeat Summer Guide Issue 5/14/08)

1. “Hello, may I rub lotion on your nose?”

2. “Playing doctor is for kids. Let’s play Lifeguard!”

3. “If I said you had a beautiful rescue tube, would you hold it against me?”

4. “Do you know the difference between an orgasm and the breast stroke? You don’t!? Well let’s go swimming.”

5. “This mouth isn’t going to resuscitate itself!”

6. “Your lifeguard stand or mine?”

7. “You know, a deep, dark tan would look really hot on you – by the way, my name’s Tan.”

8. Hand the lifeguard a piece of paper with your number and a note that says, “Help! I’m drowning in a sea of losers – please call me.”

9. “I’m new in town. Could you show me the way to your heart?”

10. “I’m not much of a swimmer. Can you teach me your strokes?

11. “Do you want to see my new dive? It’s called the, “Holy-crap-you-are-so-hot-will-you-marry-me,” triple gainer.

12. “Do lifeguards carry handcuffs?”

13. “Your name must be Ripp Tyde because when I look into your eyes I drift away.”

14. “Wanna go into the water with me and check out the swell?”

I was working on my column with the TV on when I heard the reports about the bridge in Minneapolis collapsing. It sounded pretty bad, so I stopped what I was doing, started watching, and was quickly disgusted.

What I found bothersome, aside from the obnoxious media feeding frenzy, was something that was stated in the early hours of the reportage. What they kept saying–all the anchors on all the stations, incessantly, repeatedly, until they were absolutely certain that they had gotten the message across–was that terrorism was probably not the cause of the collapse.

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I’ve been hearing a particular term a lot lately. This term is actually many centuries old, but it seems that during the past two or three years or so, it’s really gained popularity.

The term is ‘moral relativism,” and it has been hijacked by Bill O’Reilly and his fellow hardcore, right-wing, often-Christian TV and radio blabbermouth types who splash it around like high-school swimming-pool bullies shoving chlorinated tsunamis into the eyes of defenseless nerdlings.

Like ‘unpatriotic” and ‘against the troops,” ‘moral relativism” has become a term of bludgeoning and marginalization. It’s usually employed when discussing hot-button issues like gay marriage, abortion, drugs, prostitution and/or pornography. Whenever anyone–usually of the liberal and libertarian ilk–defends such unwholesome activities, O’Reilly and other hardcore, right-wing, often-Christian blabbermouths announce that these defenders are ‘moral relativists,” then shut off their microphones and shout them down to size.

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