I watched the Pope’s recent appearance at Yankee Stadium with great sadness. The reason for my sadness was because I missed an opportunity to do some good in the world.

See, I had a fantastic plan.

Ever since I learned the Pope was going to hold mass in front of nearly 60,000 Catholics in Yankee Stadium, I had this idea to invent a bomb and drop it on them. Not an exploding-shrapnel-death-and-destruction type of bomb–rather, a bomb that bombs only righteousness and goodness to mankind.

The plan was to make a device that, upon detonation, releases some sort of intelligence gas, then fly it over Yankee stadium and drop it, thereby bringing common sense and rational thought to a stadium-full of Catholics at once.
And I almost succeeded. I actually created a bomb that would release a gas that is concentrated with the molecules of rational thought. The only problem was that the gasses also boiled your bone marrow, so the effin FDA–always the sticklers–didn’t approve it. Thus was my golden opportunity lost.

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“Heath Ledger is in Hell and has
begun serving his eternal sentence.”

That was a quote from the leaders of the Westboro Baptist Church, who, among others, are claiming that God killed Heath Ledger for portraying a homosexual in a big-time Hollywood movie.

While it is true that this particular church is wildly extreme, there have been plenty of other God-worshipper types who have made similarly despicable comments.

Like when local Christian crusader James Hartline said that God started the San Diego County wildfires because he was mad at us for being hospitable to gays. Like when Pat Robertson said Hurricane Katrina was God punishing New Orleans for being gay-friendly. Like when Jerry Falwell–may he Rot In Purgatory (RIP)–said 9/11 happened because America’s got the ACLU, the pro-choicers and, of course, the gays.

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I was reading a survey that was released recently by a polling group called Harris Interactive. The study was about God, or more specifically, how we think of him.
A little more than 2,000 people participated in the online survey in which they were asked such questions as, do they believe God is authoritarian or benevolent? Is he actively involved in the affairs of humans or totally removed? And what does he look like? Does God have a human form?

One of the more surprising finds (for me) is that, “42 percent of U.S. adults say they are not ‘absolutely certain’ there is a God.” I thought that number would be much lower, especially since only about 8 percent of the population defines itself as agnostic.

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The Top Ten To-Do List of the newly appointed Pope Benedict XVI

10) Have driver’s license changed from “Ratzinger” to “Benedict.”

9) New rims for Popemobiles.

Remodel Vatican dungeon. Replace damaged or rusty torture devices.

7) Remove phone taps and other secret listening devices from Ozzy Osbourne’s home [Can't understand what he's saying anyway].

6) Sign up of free email. See if Asskicker_vicar@hotmail.com is still available.
5) Produce a child molestation awareness video to be viewed by all incoming priests. Possible title: Father McDoogan Has Naughty Feelings

4) Apply for Papal discount at Wal-Mart

3) Shackle Cardinal Law to newly painted dungeon wall. Let rats eat his toes.

2) Install phone taps and secret listening devices in Dan Brown’s apartment. Reuse old bugs from Ozzy’s pad.

1) Look into this AIDS thingy everyone keeps talking about. See if leeching doesn’t help.

Ever notice how all these conservative “family” groups are always so outraged about a perceived decline in our country’s values?

They think we’re going to Hell in a Hot Wheels and feel it’s their job
to reverse the trend.

Like when American Family Research Council got all agitated about that sexy Desperate Housewives promo that ABC ran before Monday Night Football, or when the American Family Association and The Howard Center for Family busted their nuts over the whole Janet Jackson Super Bowl debracle, or how a new film about Alfred Kinsey is gathering the ire of Focus on the Family, Defend the Family, Coalition of American Families, FamilyPolicy.net, Family.org,
and holy coyote balls Batman, there sure are a lot of “family” groups out there.

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