[Bloggers note: I will be regularly adding new quotes to this list]

• I don’t believe we should outlaw leaf blowers. I just think they should be manufactured with the exhaust tube aimed at the user’s face.

• I always question authority, even if its only to ask Authority where the keg is located.

• Sometimes I want to put my arms around the world and hug it but I can’t because the coral reef would shred my armpits.

• Have you ever tried to cut off an off-duty bartender? It’s like taking a banana away from a baboon.

• Yeah, um, no, I’m telling you, you teach your kids to curse. Tell them, “Children, go forth and curse righteous! But remember, like everything thing else in this world, foul language is best delivered in moderation. Use your four-letter words sparingly. And don’t forget to mix it up. Don’t just use the F-word, use the S-word, too. And the P-word, and the A-word. Remember to use all the delightful nuggets in the J-word series, and D-words, and even the B-word, though never against women, unless they are total C-words."