You’ve probably heard about the four firefighters who recently won a sexual-harassment lawsuit against the city in the amount of approximately $30K.

According to their complaints, the firemen, John Ghiotto, Jason Hewitt, Alex Kane and Chad Allison, were ordered by their superiors to participate in the 2007 Gay Pride parade, during which they were subjected to all sorts of, you know, gay stuff: cat-calls, blow-kisses, Excessive Butt Cheek Exposure, indecent exposure, Hairy Chested Auto-Erotic Nipple Stimulation, man-prancing and simulated sex acts—all the flamboyancy some of us actually look forward to seeing at a gay-pride event. Not the firemen, though—they claimed the event caused headaches, anxiety, nightmares, peer taunting and irritable bowels.

Upon learning of this lawsuit, my gut reaction was, Are you serious? Nightmares? Anxiety? Irritable bowels? It is incomprehensible to me that these manly-man-hero types, who rush into collapsing, burning buildings, could get all vag-damaged about a gay picnic. However, after reading the complaints, I must admit, they did have several legitimate beefs, causing me to rethink my opinion. Let’s examine:

]]> http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/03/frivolous_or_fabulousabout_the.html http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/03/frivolous_or_fabulousabout_the.html Last 10 Columns civil rights Wed, 04 Mar 2009 12:44:23 -0800 Village Voice Media (VVM) suspended publication of all comic strips. This is a devastating blow to cartoonists such as Max Cannon, Tom Tomorrow, Jen Sorensen, Derf, Lloyd Dangle and others. They see this as the beginning of the end of their industry, or so they say on their various blogs and message boards. Derf (creator of "The City") wrote, "We have reached the apocalyptic final struggle for the future of cartoons." Tom Tomorrow ("This Modern World") has been commenting on what he perceives as a general lack of appreciation for alt-weekly cartoonists: "The only way cartoonists could get even less respect would be if we presented our work in the form of handmade knit doilies thrust upon random strangers on the street." And then there's Max Cannon ("Red Meat"), who wrote the central essay of the debate. It's an open letter called "The Alternative Comic Apocalypse Has Begun," which begins with Cannon complaining that he has "slaved for many years" to bring us his comic strips. ]]> http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/02/funny_with_an_asteriskan_open.html http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/02/funny_with_an_asteriskan_open.html Last 10 Columns controversial Fri, 20 Feb 2009 00:02:03 -0800 Big Four conjugal taboos: polygamy, pedophilia, bestiality and incest, or, for lack of a better word, polypedobestincestialism. First of all, let's set the record straight: For all their 12th-century, homophobic viewpoints, Warren and friends are not equating homosexuality with polypedobestinsexuality. They are simply employing a slippery-slope argument. For instance, if you were to say that marijuana could lead to heroin, you are not saying that marijuana is as a bad as heroin, only that it could lead to it. Warren and friends are absolutely correct: If we allow gays to hitch, what's to keep the bigamincestamists of the land from arguing for their marital rights as well. If you open the door for one group, why shouldn't it stay open for the rest? In this way, I find myself in reluctant agreement with medieval homophobes. Where we disagree is that, instead of locking gay marriage out, I believe we should let every other marriage in--pedophilic wedlock excepted, of course, because children cannot consent to sex with adults, but as for the rest--whatever tickles your testicles, is what I say. Let's examine individually: Bigamy / polygamy: This is a no-brainer. Yes, duh, of course, we should incarcerate that fundamentalist, compound cultist scumbag who collects 14-year old slave-brides and forces them to spend the remainder of their childhoods lying beneath his saggy, hairy, middle-aged abdomen as he statutorily rapes the souls right out of them night after night. In my perfect world, that guy would spend the rest of his life in Leavenworth as the seventh wife and cellmate of Krusher, the 400-pound, serial-killing, cross-dressing Wizard of the Aryan Nation. As for the rest of the consenting-adult, polygamist population, whatever bubbles your hot tub, folks. Bestiality: If some guy wants to put a ring on his cocker spaniel's paw, what's the problem? For all we know, the guy has been screwed over by human women all his life. Maybe dogs are the only people with whom he can relate. Maybe that cocker spaniel is exactly who he wants to visit him in the hospital should he ever get beat down by a roving gang of zoo-bashers. I know many have argued that animals do not have the capacity to consent to inter-species intimacy. I have to laugh at that. Coming from a society that has the flesh of a trillion slaughtered farm animals wedged in the crannies of its collective teeth, your outrage over the occasional shotgun dog marriage underwhelms me. Besides, these creatures can consent to manimal sex. Has your cat ever rubbed its ass in your face while purring suggestively? Ever been leg-humped by a dog before? Me? I've been leg-humped more times than any person I know. I may not be all that attractive to humans, but in the LGBT community (Labradors, Greyhounds, Beagles and Terriers) I'm considered to be one hot bitch. Incest: Not every incestuous relationship is of a pedophilic nature. Sometimes they are actual consenting adults who, for some reason, have fallen in love. Whatever. It's not my business. I know most people think this is a bizarre position to hold. Sorry, but I just do not care--I don't care, I don't care, I don't care--I do not fucking care how perverse is anyone's sex life. I do not care how many people try to convince me that they are too revolting or aberrant to receive the same rights as the rest. That's what they said about homosexuality 20 years ago. I'm glad I didn't listen to them, either. These people, these "degenerates," they didn't choose to be who they are. I hate to regurgitate a cliché, but, there but for the grace of God, right? So, why do we always try to govern whom other people are allowed to love? Is it fear? Do we believe there will be a sudden international wave of brother-sister couplings? Are we concerned that everyone will go running out to acquire multiple spouses? Has everyone forgotten how hard it is to have even one spouse!? All the aforementioned perversities are subscribed to by a tiny minority of the population. The rest of us are too repulsed to even think of going there. That's the reason for the international recoil. That is also the reason why they represent no danger to us. There is no possibility of propagating a man-dog race. The gene pool will be just fine. Conventional marriage is not threatened by any of these unions. The only thing that will change in America--if we had the heart and the balls to sanction bestincestolygamy--is that a few thousand people may legally pursue their own peculiar brand of joy, and we will move one step closer to being the sort of people who actually mean it when we say that everyone, not just the so-called "normals," may have a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of sexy funky donkey love, er, I mean happiness. ]]> http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/02/slippery_slopesif_sexy_funky_d.html http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/02/slippery_slopesif_sexy_funky_d.html Last 10 Columns civil rights Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:11:38 -0800 [Full Disclosure Part 1: Decker is currently on staff with the Southern California Writers' Conference. Take that into account when he blubbers on and on about how great it is. See end of article for special discount offer.]
About 25 million years ago, when monkeys ruled the earth, I wrote a novel. That book - which I furiously banged out on a Brother word processor, day and night, until the carpal tunnel spread to my neck, spine and colon - was a giant kettle of crap. And I don't mean the kind of crap that most first time novelists produce due to inexperience, rather, the kind of crap that exists within the writer's DNA, the kind of crap that no amount of experience or workshopping can ever flush - this crap was the kind of crap about which the Mother of All Craps could be proud. "That's my boy!" the Mother of All Craps was often heard saying about this novel. Not having a predilection toward delusions of grandeur, I permanently shelved the tome and sought a career in journalism. This way, I could still be an author without having to write, or revisit, or even think about - ugh - books. ]]> http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/02/southern_california_writers_co.html http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/02/southern_california_writers_co.html blog Sun, 01 Feb 2009 23:08:24 -0800 I saw this image on Fox News tonight of a couple of Arabs burning the U.S. flag while holding it upside down. Of course, the talking heads were getting all freaked out about such an image, but the first thing I thought was, Hmm. Doesn't that cancel itself out? Sure, when Americans fly the flag upside-down it's supposed to be a distress call, but when protesters fly it upside-down they are saying, "Down with America!" Same goes for burning the flag, which means you hate what that flag currently stands for. But what does it mean when you burn a flag that is upside down. Seems to me you are saying, "I hate what the upside down flag stands for." And since the upside down flag stands for "Down with America," when you are burning it, aren't you really saying, "Up with America!"? I'm just saying.]]> http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/01/fox_watch.html http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/01/fox_watch.html fox watch Mon, 26 Jan 2009 22:51:31 -0800 Editor's Note: Due to the recent post-season defeat of his favorite football team, the author has been unable to speak or write not only the name of that team, but the letter with which that team name begins. Consequently, he will not be using that letter in this, or future, columns. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

Today is Jan. 14. The New Year has been in effect for a mere two weeks and already it's been an enormous disappointment. Actually, if you want to know what I really think about The Year 2009, here it is: I think The Year 2009 can suck my zit-milk. Barely three weeks old, The New Year has already sodomized my friends, my family and myself several times now. Indeed, the very first act perpetrated by this witch we call the New Year was to shatter the foot of my pal Billy, a doorman at the bar where I work, who scuffled with a contentious drunken customer. Apparently, the man refused to leave, a brawl ensued, they fell on the floor in an awkward manner and Billy's cod damn foot was shattered in three cod damn places. Um, Billy's the head of security. He needs that foot! She sure didn't waste any time did she? Just a few short moments after the last of the noisemakers petered out and this witch, this crone, this shrew they call The New Year made a conscious decision to incapacitate our old chum Billy for the next two or three months.]]> http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/01/beware_the_ides_of_january.html http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/01/beware_the_ides_of_january.html personal sordids Thu, 22 Jan 2009 22:46:38 -0800 Since I'm the only non-right wing conservative republican I know who actually watches Fox News channel, I figured I'd be your eyes and ears for the stupid shit they say there. I actually watch Fox for most of the day, and much of the night so the amount of stupid shit I am exposed to really is amazing. So much so that I figured I'd only chime in when the shit they say is REALLY stupid, as with the stupid shit I heard yesterday, not surprisingly, from the mouth of Bill "Oaf" Reilly. Oaf Reilly was talking about President Bush's Farewell Address and gushing over how great it was, and how Bush had the country's best interest in mind, and how he kept us safe etc. "It'll be interesting to see," he opined, "how the Left wing loony Bush haters will spin this tomorrow because decent people - and all the polls show this - like President Bush." Let's look at that sentence again and marvel at it's utter stupidity and gall. (I have rearranged the quote for clarity). All the polls show that decent people like President Bush. Wow! All the polls? Really? So, since Prez Bush's approval rating is at 27 percent, is "Oaf" Reilly saying that only 27 percent of the country is decent? Furthermore, who are these poll takers that are deciding who are the "decent" poll responders, and which are the, um, indecent ones? Perhaps these polls to which he is referring have a question on the bottom that says, "Are you a decent person? Please check yes or no" And who are these people that check "no"? To me, this quote goes to the very heart of what's wrong with Bill "Oaf" Reilly, what's wrong with Fox News as an institution, and what was wrong with this administration - a complete disregard for facts, common sense and a view of the world through the thickest of ideological lenses.]]> http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/01/fox_watch_bill_oaf_reilly.html http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/01/fox_watch_bill_oaf_reilly.html fox watch Fri, 16 Jan 2009 21:47:38 -0800 Dec. 31, 2009, 9:05 p.m.: It's New Year's Eve. I'm staying home tonight, alone. This is because W. is bartending at O'Connells and I've got a deadline--this deadline, for the column you're reading now. It's due in two days, so, obviously, I can't go out tonight. Not the way you're supposed to go out on New Year's Eve, which means heavy drinking at the bar, an after-hours party, a group stumblefest to Lucy's Tavern at 6 a.m., then continued drinking until either the sun goes down again or you pass out in a pool of your own sweat and vomit (swomit?) This is the sort of rumpus that will pretty much ruin your entire next day and half the day after and, realistically, there's just no way for a person to write a column under those conditions, unless, of course, the column is called "My Head is Exploding and I Have to Throw Up Again."]]> http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/01/the_jaderhow_to_celebrate_a_ho.html http://www.edwindecker.com/2009/01/the_jaderhow_to_celebrate_a_ho.html personal sordids Wed, 07 Jan 2009 23:27:35 -0800 While perusing the Internet, I stumbled upon a video series called Kids Talk About God the Christian fundamentalist version of Art Linkletter's Kids Say the Darndest Things. Basically, a group of young children answered questions about religion in their typically simplistic, discombobulated, adorably childlike manner. For example, when the question "What is Heaven?" was posed to a cute, pig-tailed, blonde girl (about 5 years old), she answered, "Heaven is a big, big place, and it's very nice for you." When the tubby boy with the crew cut (10-ish) was asked, "What do they do in Heaven?" he responded, "It's a place where you go to music every day, and learn songs because God has a big old choir." And when the adorable olive-complected girl (7-ish) with the plastic-rimmed librarian glasses was asked, "What do angels do?" she replied, "Angels come to my room and protect me from monsters." ]]> http://www.edwindecker.com/2008/12/kids_talk_about_god.html http://www.edwindecker.com/2008/12/kids_talk_about_god.html Last 10 Columns religion Thu, 11 Dec 2008 23:52:14 -0800