In response to a national tragedy, the Clear Channel media conglomerate (which owns 1170 radio stations nationally, and has a virtual monopoly on San Diego radio) has sent a list of over 150 potentially banned songs to all their program directors. Clear Channel (CC) says this list -- which includes tunes like "Jet Airliner," "Another One Bites the Dust," "It’s the End of the world as We Know It," and "Head Like Hole" -- is merely a guideline and not meant to be an edict.

First off, this is America. Clear Channel can play the Taliban Waltz all day if they want. But it’s infuriating that a corporation that monopolizes so much of the media, just doesn’t get it. Now is not the time for censorship.

Even if Clear Channel simply wishes to protect itself from some crotchety old woman, who accidentally heard "Head Like a Hole," and subsequently founded GASBAG (Grammas Against Songs Bringing Any Grief) -- that doesn’t explain these other tunes on the list: Songs like "Imagine," "Peace Train," Bridge Over Troubled Water," and "He Ain’t Heavy." These are songs with Gramma friendly themes of love, survival, selflessness, and optimism. Let’s examine:

Ten Types of Songs Proposed for Banning by Clear Channel

1) Songs That Mention "Death" or "Dying":("Dead Man’s Party," "Only the Good Die Young" for example). Incidentally, "Only the Good Die Young" is not about death at all, rather a call for personal sexual revolution. Well, best to be safe. Ban it.

2) Happy Songs, Sad Songs, and Songs About a Better Future: ("Obla Di, Obla Da," "What a Wonderful World," "Dancing in the Street," "Imagine," "Peace Train"). Hey, let’s put a curtain over the Mona Lisa too. She shouldn’t be smiling at a time like this.

3) All Songs by Rage Against the Machine: When I own Clear Channel, I will turn KGB into an all Rage format. No group condemns man’s inhumanity to man more then Rage does.

4) Most of the AC/DC Play list:("Shot Down in Flames," "Shoot to Thrill," "Dirty Deeds," "Highway to Hell," "Safe in New York City," TNT," "Hell’s Bells."). Conspicuously absent is "You Shook me all Night Long"?

5) Songs That Mention "Tuesday," "Heaven," "Jumping,"" Fire," "Falling," "Evil," "Escape," or "Missing Persons:("Tuesday’s Gone" for example.)

6) Songs About Killing: ("Killer Queen," "Hey Joe"). "Hey Joe" has nothing to do with terrorism. In "Hey Joe," a man stalks and murders his "old lady’ for being unfaithful. Hmm, women have been stalked and murdered by men for much longer than Clear Channel has been around -- why the ban now?

7) Songs About New York or USA:("On Broadway," "America," "New York, New York"). When I commandeer Clear Channel, all eleven-hundred stations will play "New York, New York" every hour, on the hour. In addition, there will be an all "Doctor-Laura-gagged-and-bound" station -- where you call and ask the Doctor sensitive questions about sex and life and she responds by saying "Mummph, foomff, dummf).

8) Songs About Flying: (Leaving on a Jet Plane," "Travelin' Band"). In the CCR song, "Travelin’ Band," there is only one, remotely relevant lyric: "Flying across the land. . . playing in a Travelin' Band.’" That’s it. One line about one plane that isn’t hijacked, never crashes, and wasn’t even delayed.

"Must. . .

Ban. . .

Song."

9) Songs About War: (Sabbath’s "War Pigs," Edwin Starr’s "War"). Ok, "War Pigs" is fairly graphic. However, "War -- whoaa! What is it good for?!" is a song that even oldfucks can get behind.

10) And The Totally Absurd: ("When Will I see you Again," "That’ll Be the Day," "Walk Like an Egyptian"). Clear Channel forgets that our enemy is terrorism, not arbitrary Middle East nations. Egypt may well turn out to be an ally.

This list is a disgusting mess. Why ban "Dancing in the Street," but not Madonna’s "Celebrate"? Why are all Rage songs somehow offensive while the B52’s, go unnoted? Why Sinatra’s "New York, New York" and not Lou Reed’s "Dirty Boulevard," from the New York album? How could anyone have missed, "It's Raining Men"?

Because Clear Channel really wasn’t paying attention that’s how.

D.J. CC gathered his team of richfucks for an hour-long, pre-lunch meeting on the Wednesday after the tragedy and said, "OK, lets try this ‘caring’ thing." Then they selected songs of sadness, gladness, explosions, flying, escape, singing, dancing, heartache, evil, war, peace, loving, hating, dying or killing. They didn’t even bother to analyze what they were choosing (or what they were leaving out). Because every song fits one of those criteria.

Proving again why it’s bad, bad, bad, bad that Clear Channel owns all these stations -- because they don’t know the first thing about music or the people who care about it. If they did, they’d know that now is the time we need to hear Bon Scott blaring ". . . I’m on a High - way to Hell" to jolt us from our trances as we drive down the 805.

This rush to ban things scares the hell out of me. Every bit as much as crumbling towers and hijacked planes. When I own Clear Channel, no songs will be banned, ever. When I own Clear Channel, I’ll send Mojo Nixon to Afghanistan to get the skinny on Bin Laden. When I own Clear Channel, I will rebuild the World Trade Center. Then hire Bon Scott to come back from the dead and sing "TNT" at the grand re-opening ceremony -- while Angus shreds his guitar, with one foot on top of each tower, crotch exposed to the world, and his amp plugged into the sun.
 
 

EJD 9/2001