Mojo is Everywhere
(originally published in
SLAMM magazine 8/8/2001)
Glum was the day when Cincinnati (of all the miserable metros) stole our beloved Mojo Nixon from under our noses. But we deserved it -- after all, during his final months in San Diego, the local media didn’t give a good Goddamn about Mojo Nixon. Despite all his accomplishments, despite the thousands of bellows and guffaws he inspired, despite the enormous, crusty, demented niche he carved into the west coast psyche -- Mojo Nixon slipped into the murky tar pit of San Diego obscurity.
So some Clear Channel radio pricks, such as they are, lured Mojo from paradise with a starring role on an FM radio morning talk show on WEBN in -- bleeech -- Cincinnati. He rarely even tours anymore.
The first time I saw Mojo Nixon was in the late 80’s. It was during a Beat Farmer’s show at the Bacchanal. Country Dick called into the crowd for Mojo, like a boy calling up to his chum’s bedroom window: "Oh Mojy Wojy" he beckoned. "Wanna play a song?"
Together they sang "King of Sleaze" and tore that fucking room to pieces.
People were drawn to Mojo Nixon the way disciples are drawn to preachers. And like a preacher, if so stricken, he would stop in the middle of a song and deliver an impromptu sermon about whatever or whomever was irking him at the moment. Bankers, lawyers, MTV, pop singers, record labels executives with small tallywhackers, and televangelists with hyperactive ones -- were all victims of Nixon’s wrath.
Actually, it was during one of those rants -- at the I-Beam in San Francisco in 1987 -- when he first babbled and gurgled and spewed about how the spirit of Elvis Presley is in everything; including cheeseburgers, Nutty Buddys, prescription drugs, and your mom (an improvisation which he claims came directly from the spirit of Elvis himself). That stark raving became a hit and a Mojo classic: "Elvis is Everywhere."
Simply put, Mojo is a maniac. Just observe that wild look in his eye.
Observe his song titles: "Burn Down the Malls," "Vibrator Dependant," "I Ain’t Gonna Piss in No Jar," "Bring Me the Head of David Geffen," "Don Henley Must Die", "Drunk, Divorced Floozie (The Ballad of Diana Spencer)," and "Moanin’ With Your Momma."
Observe his antics, accomplishments, and proud failures: He appeared naked in Future Sex Magazine; got married on a Go-Kart track (the Reverend Country Dick Montana performed the ceremony); appeared in crappy Hollywood movies such as Great Balls of Fire, Car 54 Where Are You?, and Super Mario Bros.; debated Pat Buchanan on Crossfire; dueted with Don Henley on "Don Henley must Die"; starred as Preacher Bob Man Bob in the off-Hollywood flick, Buttcrack: The Movie; is the voice of Sheriff Hobbs on the CD-ROM game, Redneck Rampage; wrote and delivered a series of shorts for his nemesis network, MTV, who, returned the favor by banning his video, "Debbie Gibson is Pregnant With My Two-Headed Love Child" (starring Winona Ryder as Debbie Gibson).
But for all that, San Diego still didn’t seem to want him. Now we’re left to wallow in a Mojo-less city, where nobody says "love bone" or "for-nigh-cay-shun" or "doo-doo log," and nobody threatens to assassinate lawyers or pop singers anymore.
And while we wallow, that prick is having a great time, no doubt fuming on his little morning talk show about such local Cincinnati issues as, how to blow up Cleveland, or that there isn’t the slightest, detectable, trace of Elvis to be found inside the Cincinnati Bengals organization."
EJD 8/2001