-- NEVER summon your waitress by saying, Here chicky, chicky, chicky.

-- If you’re playing pool and somebody cheats, NEVER crack him over the head with a pool stick. Let it go. Have a shot of Jager. It does less damage than a bar brawl.

-- If you are going to tip nicely, NEVER make an accompanying comment such as, ‘Hey look at me I just tipped you.’ In fact, don’t say anything. There’s nothing you could say that the tip doesn’t say much better.

-- If you are a man, on a date with a woman, NEVER order a blended drink.

-- If you are a woman, on a date with a man, ALWAYS pull out your damn wallet and offer to buy a round. Whaddya think, he’s Bill Gates? He drives an ice cream truck for a living, and he declared bankruptcy just to buy you a sushi and Saki dinner.

-- If your are a man, on a date with a woman, and she pulls out her damn purse to pay for a round - ALWAYS decline her offer. Softly push her bills back toward her. Then, pull out your wad and pay with a hundred dollar bill. There is no move smoother and will greatly reduce your chances of another late-night with Sportscenter and Carne Asada, alone.

--If your bartender is an asshole, or worse, if he’s slow: Stiff him!

-- NEVER buy a drink for a strange woman across the bar. Talk to her first. This way you can tell if she’s worth the $3.50 and she can tell if she can stand you.

-- If you are a woman, ALWAYS refuse a drink from a stranger across the bar. This is an invitation for him to sit next to you - believe me, you don’t want him to sit next to you.

-- If you are a woman, and you are drinking a draft and a man offers to buy you a drink, NEVER develop a sudden craving for a double Courvoisier, with a champagne back - not unless he’s really, really, really ugly and smells like fermenting donkey-pie.

Top Ten Things to Never Say to a Bartender
10) "Have you been gaining weight?"
9) "If you make it strong - I’ve got a nickel with your name on it."
8) "I’m not from around here."
7) "How did you get stuck in a loser job like this?"
6) "Where should I check my Uzi?"
5) "Comp the drink and I’ll give you a big, big tip."
4) "Officer Krupke. . . Vice squad"
3) "Where da crack ho’s at?"
2) "I know how it is man, I used to be a bartender - keep a nickel for yourself."
1) "Which way to the vomitorium please?"