"We ride with kings on mighty steeds Across the Devil's plain."
Tenacious D

The Tenacious D Interview

Ladies and Gentlemen, in this corner weighing 637 pounds, wearing black trunks, is Tenacious D -- the self-appointed, "Greatest Band on Earth."
They get no argument from me. Tenacious D. rocks as hard as Wendy O' Williams' ass-banging Korn.

Only the greatest band on Earth would have the nutsacks to write the greatest song in the world. Sadly, they forgot how to play the greatest song in the world, so they had to write "Tribute" -- the only song great enough to be a tribute to the greatest song in the world -- which itself was great:

"This is not The Greatest Song in the World
No. This is just a tribute.
Couldn't remember the Greatest Song in the World, no, no.
This is a tribute, oh, to The Greatest Song in the World . . .
All right! It was the best muthafuckin' song."

One might ask how it is possible that a couple of overweight slobs (Jack Black and Kyle Gass) with a couple of acoustic guitars, and a couple of teenage fuck-jokes, could be the greatest rock band on Earth?

They sold their souls to Satan of course.

How else could they have parlayed a circuit in LA's moldy comedy dives, into the HBO series which ignited their career into the raging hellfire that it is?
How else could two burrito-bellied buffoons score acting roles in such major Hollywood productions as Bio-Dome, That Darn Punk, Bongwater, Barefoot Executive, Brain Dead, Saving Silverman, Shallow Hal, Orange County and Hi Fidelity?
How else, but with the help of Old Skratch, could Tenacious D (known to their loyals as "The D") squeeze their fatty fingers into the tiny spaces between guitar strings to create such rockingest sounds?

How else, but for the songwriting expertise of Lucifer, could they have written the power ballad to end all power ballads, "Fuck Her Gently"?:

"You don't always have to fuck her hard
In fact sometimes that's not right to do
Sometimes you've got to make some love
And fuckin' give her some smoochies too. . .
Sometime you've got to say hey
I'm gonna fuck you softly."

How else could an acoustic metal duo have signed a major record deal with Epic and procure such heavy hitters as the Dust Brothers, David Grohl (Foo Fighters), and Page McConnell (Phish), to work on the CD?

Yes, it appears Tenacious D has joined the army of the damned.
But fear not fellow Jesuits, because -- in the corner to my left, wearing white trunks, is the greatest rock journalist on Earth. And he's going to pit himself against the Dark Lords of Rock and Roll. Welcome to the interro-dome:

Round 1: <Gong>
"So it's clear that you sold your souls to the Devil. How'd that deal go down?"

"He kind of crept up on me," says Jack. "'Cause [initially] I was really into Jesus and stuff, even though I'm a Jew. When you're a Jew, it's all about Moses and Abraham. And Moses was cool, because he had 'Make-the-Red-Sea-go-away' power. But Jesus was way cooler because he had 'Walk-on-water' power, and 'Party-with-a-lot-of-wine' power, and also 'Bring-back-people-from-the-dead' power. So naturally I was surprised when Satan approached me."

"When you arrive at Hell, as per your contract with Satan," I ask, "what will he choose as your eternal punishment?"
"I'd be in a room," answers Kyle, "where I have to watch all of my acting work."
(Round One - Advantage SLAMM).

Round Two -- D gets pissed:
In preparation for the greatest interview ever conducted -- which shall be the watermark against which all future rock interviews are measured -- I sent an email to my cohorts in the music industry, asking what they would ask The Greatest Band on Earth if given the chance.
The next day, I received the following email from Adam Gimbel, who plays in the San Diego band Rookie Card``:

"I hate the full-band stuff on the album.
It's just not as funny with it actually rocking. . .
When you scream 'ROCK!' and it's two fat guys with acoustics, it's funny.
When you scream 'ROCK'
and a Dust Brothers-produced guitar crunch kicks in,
it isn't."

I read the letter to The D.

"Who wrote that?" asks Jack.

"A guy named Adam," I answer. "He's a local musician."

"Hey Adam," shouts Jack into the speaker-phone, "fuck you. Stop listening. Oh, and send us your shitty album, so we can throw it away."
(Round Two: draw.)

Round Three - The D strikes below the belt, referee looks the other way:

"So what's next for The D? Can you pull another album anywhere near as funny as your debut?"
"I think we can come up with an even better record," says Jack. "The next album is going to be our, our . . . what's that Beatles record?" he asks.
"Sgt. Peppers?"

"Yeah, the next album is going to be our Sgt. Peppers; a sort of Sgt. Peppers/Tommy concept platter."

The Tenacious D debut album is a Spinal Tappian parody of rock and roll. But unlike Spinal Tap, The D CD is also homage. It's clear they adore rock and roll and probably grew up dreaming what it might be like to don the big stage one day, side by side with the rockingest rockers of the times.

"Is it everything you hoped it would be?" I ask.
"There is a same-ness to most of the activities that I wasn't expecting," answers Kyle. "It's like the movie Ground Hog Day, where Bill Murray wakes up every morning doomed to repeat the same day.

". . . You wake up around 10am. . . . take a car to the venue, get settled in the dressing room, do a sound check, eat mediocre catering, watch Jimmy Eat World, and play a set that is nearly identical to the night before.

"Is it the same with rock interviews -- do they all ask the same questions? Is it just a grind?"
"Well this one is unique," says Jack, with Kyle snickering in the background. "Oh yeah, this one is very special. [Many evil chortles]."
(Round Three: Advantage D - Satan yawns).

Round Four -- SLAMM blunders, D capitalizes:
The interview is going nowhere. I want to throw in the towel. One last hope.
"Let's freestyle," I say, hoping to spark things up. "When I write this story I am going to say that, 'Tenacious D. rocks as hard as Wendy O' Williams' ass-banging Korn.' Can sing me a song about that?"

"Who's Wendy O' Williams?" asks Kyle.

"She is the late, psycho-punk singer-chick from the Plasmatics."
"I don't know that band," says Kyle, "I'm not going to sing that song."
Jack jumps in, "I think you are adding too much creative input dude. Why are you trying to write our songs? Then you would take all the credit."

"Yeah" I add, " and when I do get famous, I won't have to interview novelty bands for a living."

"You should pursue that dude," Jack quips. "You should write that song and we'll give you a little blurb on your little album cover."
(SLAMM taps out. Evil wins the match.)