Well I got out of Bolivia alive. I am out of that cesspool of a city, La Paz Bolivia. I have a lot to say about my recent adventures getting there and being there, but I haven't begun working on it. In the meantime, I figured Iīd add a side note to the journals. . .

South America is an amazing world, and though it can be dangerous traveling in these parts, if you keep your head up, and follow these ten simple items of advice, you may return home unscathed

  Donīt Drink the Water. This is the most repeated and most sensible bit of advice. Do not drink the water out of taps or streams. If you MUST have water, then buy it bottled, pour iodine in it, boil it until it evaporates, then jump up and down into the steam cloud and try to breathe it in.

   Donīt Eat the Food. Even if you brought food with you, DONT EAT IT. The viruses and bacteria and parasites here are like tiny super heroes that can fly and leap and lift and swim and recite The Illiad by rote. Food-bad. Starvation-good.

   Donīt Talk to Anyone. Talking to people in South America is an invitation for them to drop a barbiturate in your cocktail or Inca Cola and rifle through your possessions, be they monetary or bodily.

   Donīt Look at Anyone. Keep your head down. Looking at people is an invitation for them to ask you for something; which in turn is an invitation for them to club you or choke you. If you must look at someone, buy a poster of Jose Feliciano and stare at that.

   Dress Appropriately. Your best bet, while visiting South America is to wear medieval battle armour.

   Donīt Stay Long. When your plane lands in a South American country, walk over to the counter and buy your return ticket for that same day. If you can do this without talking or looking at anyone, all the better.

   Learn Spanish. Your first assignment is to look up the Spanish translations for these key phrases.

. .    --"If I give you my wallet will you return my passport Mr. Knife Wielder?"

  --"I'd like to buy some more Immodium please."

   --"Are these festering lumps a permanent condition, doctor? "

   Leave your Condoms Home. Condoms are a reminder that you enjoy sex. Sex is out of the question.

   Get in Shape. Work out before departing; especially sprints and long distance running.

   Prepare for Altitude Sickness. This can be done at home before departure. Try this: Bang your head against the wall for 45 minutes, then stick your finger down your throat and vomit. Then donīt move for 2 weeks. Repeat 4 times.

(glad to be the fuck out of Bolivia)