October 15th, 2009

When President Barack Obama gave a speech last month that was written for the school children of America, certain politicians and pundits threw a fit.
Jim Greer, the Florida GOP chairman, called the speech “liberal propaganda.” Fox News commentHater Glenn Beck said the president’s goal is the “indoctrination of children.” The list goes on.
And what were these detestable messages being propagandized by President Obama (or, as I call it, probamaganda)? Do your homework, stay in school, apply yourself—you know, the kind of ideas that could destroy a society should they ever catch on. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in (patriotism/politics), Last 10 Columns, The Best of Sordid Tales | 3 Comments »
October 1st, 2009

It’s Thursday night, seven minutes after midnight, which technically means Friday. My column—this column—is due on Friday. The Sword of Deadline-ocles hangs over my head.
I blame Rob Garbowski.
Rob Garbowski is (warning: blatant, gratuitous friend-band plug cometh) the drummer for a smokin’ hard-rock band called SweetTooth. Rob and I are friends and all, but the other day he said something that irritated my ass off.
He was detailing the reasons he was not impressed by a recent column I had written and concluded by saying, “I could tell that you phoned that one in.”
Now, normally I welcome criticism. Constructive criticism has improved my writing a great deal over the years, not the least of which came from Rob, who you can always count on for honest and intelligent critique.
So, I hope you take it in the right spirit, Rob, when I tell you to lick my liver blisters.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in (about sordid tales), Last 10 Columns, The Best of Sordid Tales | 2 Comments »
September 3rd, 2009

Recently, I ran into a bit of bad luck. I won’t bother you with the details—they’re not terribly interesting. What matters is, I was sitting at the bar with a friend—miserable and hunched over a dirty Stoli martini while he delivered a series of irritating, consolation clichés.
He was saying stuff like, “Well, you still have your health” and “Things could be worse” and, of course, the worst consolation cliché of them all. It’s only five words long, but these five words are so repugnant, they can drive a man to stab your neck with an olive spear should you speak them.
“Everything happens for a reason,” he said, then lifted his martini and gazed upward, as if what he said was blisteringly profound. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in (misc), Last 10 Columns, The Best of Sordid Tales | 3 Comments »
August 21st, 2009

Dear Mr. Decker, as a working bartender, I feel you are the perfect person to ask this question. I really like this girl but she’s sort of standoffish to me. Except when she gets drunk. Then she’s all over me. I’m really tempted to get her drunk so we can get wild. Is this wrong? Does it make me a creep?
—Dave M., North Park
Dear Dave, So, you want to know if getting a girl drunk so that she might have sex with you makes you a creep? The fact that you have to ask that question tells me that you’ve got a lot to learn about women and booze.
Getting girls drunk to loosen them up for a little jungle sex is one of the reasons Jesus invented alcohol and to not use it in such a manner would be disrespectful to The Lord, so my advice is to start ordering those shots. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in (boozing) | 1 Comment »
August 15th, 2009
My friend and reknowned illustrator, Jay Allen Sanford, was doodling to avoid deadlines and came up with Barzilla’s older meaner brother. Pretty cool huh?

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August 15th, 2009
“… true, [the La Jolla seal rookery] attracts the tourists, but it’s tourists versus children here.”
—Tony Perry, L.A Times’ San Diego bureau chief, on KPBS’ Editors Roundtable
And here we have yet another example of ye olde “For the Children” fallacy.
If you’ve read this column before, you probably know there are few things in this universe I loathe more than when somebody argues from the “For the Children” (FTC) position. And though it seems—given that the Children’s Pool was donated to kids—that this debate might be one of the rare instances when it’s reasonable to make the FTC argument, it most certainly is not. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in San Diego Local | No Comments »
August 2nd, 2009

W. and I have been married five years. We have no children; nor do we intend to ever have them. Now, I know, to the gleeful breeders of the world, the phrase “childless couple,” sounds so sad and bleak—as though everything in our house is gray and cold and we are just this joyless, old couple drably dipping soupspoons into our bowls of hot water and potatoes every night.
Not true, of course.
Whenever we meet one of these gleeful breeder-types, and they find out that we don’t have or want children, it always seems to startle and amaze them, as if we just told them we don’t want oxygen or food.
“Why not?!” they’ll inevitably ask.
For the record, I’m not offended or even irritated by that inquiry. It’s just that I think the wrong people are asking the wrong question. Shouldn’t we be asking you how come you do want children? Think about it. I don’t have to change anything about my life in order not to have kids. On the other hand, parents of a newborn baby have to change their entire existence, if not essence. Asking us why we don’t want children is like me asking why you don’t want a barbell piercing through your urethra. One does not ask a person, “How come you do not climb mountains?” One asks mountain climbers why they do. Not that I would begrudge you breeder mountaineers for climbing Mt. Kidimanjaro—just don’t act like I’m the one who needs to explain himself.
That said, I understand the norm is to reproduce and that childless married couples are something of an enigma, so I am happy to tell you why I don’t have or want children: Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in (personal), Last 10 Columns, The Best of Sordid Tales | 4 Comments »
July 27th, 2009

So the Speakeasy show on Saturday featuring The Burning of Rome lived up to its name and got shut down by the police. But it moved to a hidden location deep in the bowels of the venue, where the band played their guts out.
The Speakeasy Studios is an Oceanside truck-repair shop by day and a rehearsal studio and performance venue at night. Both are co-owned by The Burning of Rome drummer Lee Williams and his father.
On the east side of the repair shop is a large parking lot, where they had a DJ setup, a bar, a small spoken-word stage and, behind and to the right of it, the main stage. When you enter the building (the truck-repair garage), the halls become an art-gallery maze leading you through and around the innards of the garage and into what I would call your standard “rock and roll loitering room”—with comfy couches, a bar, a fridge, a beer tap and rock posters hanging on the walls. On the back side of the room is a door that leads into a rehearsal room, a large, air-conditioned studio decorated with art, skulls, old gramma lamps on old gramma nightstands, Old Glory, various musical instruments and a giant, shiny bronze Buddha on a perch overlooking the entire space as if to give it his blessing and ward off the fuzz.
Read the rest of this entry »
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July 27th, 2009

See, the thing is – and here comes my inner nerd spilling all over the place – I’m a bit starstruck over these guys. Their tunes are so powerful and mesmerizing, their performances so electric, I became an instant fan upon seeing them two years ago, at the SoCo Music Experience, downtown San Diego. I have seen them several times since and I just keep liking them better and better. The Burning of Rome is my NFB (New Favorite Band) and to be permitted to sit in their rehearsal studio for a semi-private jam session was, well, if I were a total, unabashed gushing rock-nerd, would say it was, “A dream come true.”
Instead I will maintain my journalistic composure and report that the performance was a visually and aurally pleasing experience: aurally speaking, it was unlike most concerts, where the band faces the crowd and blasts their music at you. Instead, the performers were all around us, saturating us with music rather than bludgeoning.
And visually, well, to be so close – to be able to watch every nuance of every performer; to observe the muscles on their necks loosen and tighten, the beads of sweat form and drop, the complex relationship between finger and keyboard, finger and fret, and mostly, to watch the smiles that span their faces as they do the thing they love to do best, then watch those smiles turn to tight-lipped grimaces when the music became dark, and foreboding, as TBoR’s music often does – there is no substitute for this type of musical experience. Read the rest of this entry »
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July 26th, 2009
“I believe universal healthcare is a right, not a privilege.”
—Hillary Clinton
I really don’t understand this point of view. The notion that we have a right to healthcare ignores two universal truths of the human condition—we all must fend for ourselves and nobody owes anybody a damn thing. This is not to say I’m against universal healthcare, per se. Like everything else in the world, the concept has its pros and cons. But they have nothing to do with whether healthcare is a right or a privilege.
I have long been curious about this concept and have pondered what, exactly, is the difference between right and privilege, and who, exactly, gets to decide who gets which? Read the rest of this entry »
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July 25th, 2009
I took my nephew Noah, and honorary nephew Kelton, to the Comic-Con today. What a blast! I know I wouldn’t have had nearly as good of a time if it were not having two youngsters with me just freaking out as we turned every corner.

engage!
It started off with a bang. The minute we walked in we saw the Star Trek Captain’s chair and a group of Halo fighters walking around. Then some little girl walked by with a light saber and it was all over. Noah and Kelton went nuts.
Must.
Have.
Light.
Saber.
Read the rest of this entry »
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July 21st, 2009
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July 18th, 2009

Director: Larry Charles
Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen
Summary: Flamboyant Austrian fashionista Brüno takes his show to America
Handroll Ranking: 



(4 out of 5 handrolls)
Haiku Review
Depraved anal scene
forever etched on my brain
I beg thee, be gone!
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July 16th, 2009

Director: Todd Philips
Starring: Ed Helms
Plot: A Las Vegas-set comedy centered around three groomsmen who lose their about-to-be-wed buddy during their drunken misadventures, then must retrace their steps in order to find him.
Year: 2009
Handroll Ranking: 



(4 out of 5 handrolls)
Haiku Review
During the movie
I fucking laughed my ass off
Am still laughing now
Posted in haiku movie reviews | No Comments »