Edwin Decker

Miracle Snobs
(She was watching the tortillas)

May 25th, 2011

Giant poster of Pope Paul II at Vatican

As many of you know, I was in Italy with family recently, and happened to be at the Vatican while they were gearing up for the heavily anticipated beatification ceremony of Pope John Paul II.

What a spectacle!

Beatification is the last stage before canonization, which is when a particular holy-person is recognized as a saint. To be beatified, the Holy-Person-in-Question (HPQ) must have performed a Vatican-approved, posthumous miracle. Then the HPQ must perform a second miracle to be canonized.

The first miracle has already happened. A Parkinson’s beleaguered nun prayed directly to Deucey (my pet name for Paul II) and lo, was her disease promptly cured. The alleged miracle was investigated by the Vatican’s top theological and, ahem, medical experts and approved by current pope Benedict XVI, leaving Deucey to perform only one more miracle—which explains why your devout Catholic grandmother constantly keeps checking the back of her tortillas.

It is important to note that this process does not make the HPQ a saint. It merely recognizes that they have always been one, that God deemed them a saint a looong time ago, before they were born probably, and I gotta say, if I were an un-canonized saint—chilling beside the pool at God’s palace, trying to enjoy my ambrosia margarita while all these Vatican assworms were demanding I show them a second miracle, I would jump down onto the dome of St. Peter’s and say, “Listen up pissants! I’ll show you as many miracles as I freaking feel like showing!” Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (religion), Last 10 Columns | 11 Comments »

New Music Nights (Pledge Drive Begins!)

May 24th, 2011

Hey all! I’m happy to announce that Danielle, Alicia and I have selected the three bands for House of Blues New Music Nights and that the pledge drive for these bands has officially opened.

For those in the dark, last month, House of Blues issued a call for local bands to apply (using Sonicbids) for an upcoming concert series called New Music Nights.

This was done in three cities: Los Angeles, Las Vegas and San Diego. For the San Diego chapter, they charged Danielle LoPresti, Alicia Champion (of SD IndieFest fame) and me to read and listen to the submitted press kits and choose the best three. Well that process has been completed and the three bands we selected are featured on the New Music Nights Website (along with the six bands from the other two markets).

Here’s where you come in. If you are a fan of any of these groups, or simply a fan of San Diego music in general, you can visit the website, listen to the three bands, and “pledge” to see them play at the House of Blues on July 11. By pledging, fans will receive a $5 coupon off the $10 show. The band with the most fan pledges wins the right to play at all three, previously mentioned HOB venues, plus a $1000 dollar travel stipend. The deadline for pledging is June 8 so hop-to-it. The more San Diegans we can inspire to pledge, the higher the chance a San Diego band will win. Deadline for pledging is June 8. As further incentive, Danielle, Alicia and I will be at the July 11 show giving away tickets to upcoming House of Blues shows.

Voting is simple. . . Read the rest of this entry »

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House of Blues New Music Nights

April 27th, 2011

Attention San Diego, Los Angeles and Las Vegas musicians, it is your last chance to submit an electronic press kit (EPK) for the House of Blues New Music Nights presented by Live Nation and powered by Sonicbids.

In case you didn’t know, House of Blues is looking for hot, local bands to enroll in New Music Nights, a program that provides an opportunity for up-and-coming groups to rock-out in one of America’s most famous concert venues.

Consider it a contest of sorts, which works like this:

If you are a band, of any genre, that resides and regularly performs in (or within 50 miles of) San Diego, Los Angeles or Las Vegas, you may submit – entirely FREE of charge – an electronic press kit to Sonicbids. These submissions will be reviewed by members of their respective, local music communities and House of Blues booking agents, who will narrow the submissions down to three bands from each city.

These nine bands will then be prominently featured on the House of Blues New Music Nights website, where fans can logon and “pledge” to see their favorite band play at the House of Blues. By pledging, fans will recieve a coupon for $5 off their $10 ticket to the show. The band with the most fan pledges wins the right to play at all three, previously mentioned House of Blues locations sometime at the end of summer.

This is a golden opportunity to gain exposure in three big music markets. It is also a chance to embark on long-term relationship with House of Blues and Live Nation talent buyers. As I said, the EPK submission is free, just be sure to submit by April 29 and the rest… well the rest is up to the Rock Gods.

As for my involvement – well, I’m one of the people deciding which three San Diego bands advance. I’ll also be blogging about the process — you know, writing about why we chose the bands we chose, why we didn’t choose the bands we didn’t choose, and all that fun stuff in the middle — which is sure to please some bands and aggravate the rest. Stay tuned for that deliciousness. In the meantime, get those submissions in pronto! It won’t take but a minute to sign up, but a lifetime to regret you didn’t.

Posted in blog | 8 Comments »

Chopsticks Snobs

April 20th, 2011

My wife and I were having lunch at Sapporo, a sushi restaurant in Ocean Beach. I like this joint. The food is good and the prices are excellent, and the Japanbience is toned down, which is to say, the servers aren’t wearing kimonos; nor is there a sunken pebble garden in the center of the room, shoji blinds in the corner or Fu Manchu fonts on the menu, and classic rock, not Japanese flutes, plays at a low volume in the dining room. Not that there’s anything wrong with heavy Japanbience, I just like that at Sapporo, there’s a good chance you won’t get a dirty look if you ask for a fork instead of using the chopsticks.

Yup, it’s true—I’m that guy: Mr. Ask For Fork (AFF) at Asian restaurants.

Now, I know that AFF guys are despised. But I don’t understand why. It just didn’t work out between Chopsticks and me. After years of heartbreak, failure, embarrassment and terrible arguments, we decided to go our separate ways. Now, whenever I run into Chopsticks, I just nod hello and goodbye—then enjoy dinner with my steely companion, Fork.

So, the problem isn’t really with Chopsticks anymore; the problem is my chopstick-snobby friends, and family, and yes, even my wife—the Grand Imperial Wizard of chopstick supremacists—who recoils in horror whenever I ask for a fork, as if my request is somehow insulting to the servers, the establishment and the entire continent of Asia. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (rants), Last 10 Columns | 7 Comments »

Locals Only (Parts 1 & 2)

April 2nd, 2011

The following article was originally published in San Diego CityBeat Magazine (June and August 2010) as two separate installments but combined here for your convenience.

LOCALS ONLY (Part 1)
Thanks for the Laughs

It was 11 p.m., and I was jonesing for some buffalo wings. So I strolled over to my favorite neighborhood bar, The Tilted Stick. Once there, I ran into an old bartender friend, Teddy Ballgame. I hadn’t seen Teddy in a long time, so I delayed ordering the wings, bought a round and started chatting. At one point in the conversation, I joked about a poster that hangs on the wall titled “Tilted Stick Rules,” which I began reading out loud to Teddy and doing a little comedy shtick on the rules I thought were silly. That’s when a stranger interrupted and said, “If you don’t like the rules, you can get out.”

Naturally, this took me by surprise. I was just joking around with Teddy and hadn’t intended to offend anyone, so I pondered his statement, then informed the guy—whose name (I later learned) rhymes with “snotty”—that we were having a private conversation, but “thanks for the advice anyway.”

“This is a locals bar,” Snotty insisted. “You need to leave,” at which point I thought I was at the Improv because this guy—this apparent victim of fetal-alcohol syndrome—was delivering what I considered to be pure comedy gold. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in The Best of Sordid Tales | 1 Comment »

The Battle of Thermopylae

March 30th, 2011

Aside from writing this filthy little column, one of my many side jobs is as an event coordinator for an outdoor music and arts festival called San Diego IndieFest (SDIF).

The producers of SDIF, Danielle LoPresti and Alicia Champion, are two deeply committed, commie, lefty, pinko socialist, community-organizing-activist guerrilla-types who rage against the enemies of gay rights, feminism, environmentalism and independent arts.

I admire these guerls and respect all their causes, with the exception of one that I find particularly annoying. I’m talking about their campaign to abolish the word “pussy” (as it pertains to weakness or fragility). So devoted are they to this cause that they scold me every time I use it in their presence, which is often because Alicia happens to be a fan of Bostonian sporting outfits, and if there’s one word that describes the players or fans of Bostonian sporting outfits, it’s the P-word—and I don’t mean pugnacious. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (language), Last 10 Columns, The Best of Sordid Tales | 4 Comments »

Empty Seat Syndrome

March 4th, 2011

Barefoot Hockey Goalie frightens the children

Having bartended live-music clubs in San Diego for the last 25 years, I can say that this city is home to some of the best bands in the country. Unfortunately, there’s never been quite enough of a fan base to sustain them financially. For whatever reason, San Diego’s always had a somewhat thinner following for local music than most other major cities.

Now, complaining about this doesn’t strike me as particularly lame. It’s frustrating to see a band as kickass as SweetTooth or Barefoot Hockey Goalie playing in front of 20 people when a propped-up poser like Sisqo would attract more bodies plunking Zimbabwean polka melodies on a busted thumb piano. However, it’s when the complaints about low attendance become a narcissistic blame-game that it begins to rub me the wrong way.

I recall an old drummer friend, who played in a series of failed art-rock groups, constantly complaining about how San Diegans are shallow, sun-worshipping, condo-residing automatons who don’t support local music. He eventually became so weary of the empty seats that he decided to strike back at those shallow San Diegans by quitting the business and depriving them of his “musical genius.”

Now, this guy was no Chad Farran but even if he were a genius, who did he punish by quitting? It wasn’t the people who didn’t come to his shows. (If they didn’t come to his shows in the first place, how could they miss his genius?) No, quitting the biz only punished the people who came to his shows—his fans.

Ah, yes, arrogance and ignorance—the ultimate combo plate. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (entertainment), Last 10 Columns | 8 Comments »

Locals Only Pt. 2
The Difference between Your Mother and Yo-Mama

February 16th, 2011

Some of you may remember a recent Sordid Tale about an encounter that occurred outside my favorite neighborhood slaughtering hole, The Tilted Stick, during which a guy named Scotty and several of his friends ambushed me because it was his opinion that I wasn’t local enough to patronize the establishment.

Well, two Sundays ago, Scotty and I crossed paths again.

I’ve dreaded our imminent reunion, largely because I didn’t want to be in the position of having to accept or reject his apology: I didn’t want to accept his apology because, well, how rotten-to-the-core must you be to gang up on a person over such absurd matters as his place of residence? On the other hand, I’m not a grudge-holder. I don’t give a crud about Scotty, except for the comedy of him, which I enjoy sharing with you. So, no, I didn’t want an apology, though I always assumed one was forthcoming.

Imagine my surprise to learn that not only was he not going to say “sorry,” but that this jackass would actually try to instigate another melée—“jackass,” incidentally, being the perfect word to describe him, as he is not quite a tool, not exactly a douchebag, nor hoodlum, hooligan, thug, punk or pissant, but, rather, a raging jackass with whom—on a lazy Sunday evening—I once again came face to face.

As it happened, the same two bartenders were present, as were several of the same regulars from the night of our first altercation. We were drinking and having a good time when Scotty came in. He made his rounds, hugging and shaking hands with everyone he knew. At first, he was oblivious to me, thankfully, as I enjoyed covertly observing him mingling about as if he were The Man, utterly ignorant of how not The Man he really is. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (boozing), Last 10 Columns | 22 Comments »

True Colors

February 2nd, 2011

I received an e-mail recently from my friend Andrew, the bar manager of the Viejas DreamCatcher, who told me about a little incident at Cabo Cantina in Pacific Beach. He said he wasn’t allowed inside because he was wearing an Oakland Raiders Jersey. I have been told this is a Cabo Cantina house rule.

“Have Charger fans become the bratty kid at the playground that says, ‘If you don’t play my way I’m taking my ball and leaving’?” Andrew asked in his e-mail. “Or am I just a salty Raider fan that should stay home during the playoffs?”

Well, Andrew, asking if a Raiders fan is “salty” is like asking if minnows are skittish. So, yeah, you probably should stay home during The Super Bowl (and the rest of 2011, too), but that’s hardly the point. The real question is, “What’s up with Cabo Lame-tina?” Do they fear and/or loathe Raiders fans that much?

Sure, I’ve run into my fair share of Raiders turds. I once watched in horror as one of them chewed off the ear of a Chargers fan and spit it at my feet. But I’ve seen just as many, if not more New York Jets jerkoffs, not to mention Minnesota Vikings vermin, Broncos bastards and Patriots pricks, and Lord knows you can’t projectile vomit in a bar anymore without splattering the legs of at least a couple of Cowboys cocksuckers.

The point is, there are some in every bunch. You can’t assume that a guy who’s wearing silver and black is going to be a problem customer any more that you can assume a dude wearing powder blue with yellow lightning bolts will have a predilection for playing dress up with Barbie dolls. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (rants), Last 10 Columns | 10 Comments »

Unreasonable Minds

January 19th, 2011

Image by Karyl Miller (http://www.millerreport.com/)

“The 20-year legal fight over the cross on Mount Soledad took another turn Tuesday when a federal appeals court ruled the towering landmark [is] unconstitutional”

—San Diego Union-Tribune, Jan. 5

I love this ruling. I do believe that a giant, Latin cross on the city-owned peak of the tallest mountain in the area is an example of government “establishing” a religion. I also believe this issue is complex and nuanced. I believe is reasonable, for those who want the cross to stay, to pose such questions as:

1. Is the seemingly endless legal battle worth our time and money?
2. At which point does the historic and the religious become inseparable?
3. What does the word “establishment” exactly mean in the context of the Constitution?

On these questions, reasonable minds can disagree. However it is difficult to find reasonable minds in a group that interprets the words of a 3,500-year-old Testament—written by a bunch of toga-wearing winos—literally, as if it were, you know, a Bible or something.

In the case of the true believer, “reason” has nothing to do with it. Their arguments tend toward the ridiculous and reactionary—such as the opinion (articulated in the U-T article cited above) that the Soledad cross “is a secular landmark amid a larger [war] memorial and has no explicit religious meaning.”

Secular landmark? No explicit religious meaning? Question, when God was passing out brains, did you think he said, “pains” and ask for a dull one? OK, sure, the cross may have had a couple of now-obsolete meanings that predate Christ by a few hundred years. However in this country, in this century, saying the cross is a symbol of something other than Christianity is like saying “My Ding-a-Ling” is a song about Chuck Berry’s retarded brother. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (religion), Last 10 Columns | 27 Comments »

A Christmas Recital

January 6th, 2011

One of the advantages being a childless uncle is that you get to enjoy, in significantly smaller doses, of course, some of the experiences of parenting. Most are fabtacular, such as watching the kids tear open presents you bought them, or when they run into your arms as you first walk into the room, or watching with pride as they perfectly serve your dirty Stoli martinis the way you trained them.

Then there are the other experiences—the ones that remind you why you’ve never procreated. Having to clean up after a massive diarrhea mishap in the Target café, for example, or those times they get all screamy and jumpy and arguey in the space between you and the TV, or having to say “Who’s there” every five seconds during their interminable, knock-knock-joke-telling phase.

These are the moments that give me pause when considering parenthood, ’tis true, but it’s a recent experience that has permanently removed any lingering doubt. I’m talking about the nightmare known as the children’s piano recital. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Last 10 Columns, The Best of Sordid Tales | 3 Comments »

The Making of Operation Santa 2010

December 26th, 2010

Operation Santa 2010:

My wife, Willow, and I have been spending the holidays in New York where most of my family lives. Around the second day of the visit, my little nephew, James, (who is my sister Barbara’s youngest son) said that some of his friends at school were telling him there was no Santa Claus and he intended to prove they were wrong by providing video evidence.

I told him it was a swell idea, but that it was difficult to catch Santa on film because kids are always trying that sort of thing and he’s gotten pretty good at rooting out hidden cameras. My reasoning for crushing James’ dream like this was because I didn’t want his hopes to get too high, then shattered when no Santa appeared on camera.

However, the following day I got to thinking. Wouldn’t it be great if we staged a visit from old Kris Kringle, caught it on film, and then left it for James to find on Christmas morning? I talked to Barb and Aunt Willow about it and loved the idea so much they bought a Santa suit that same day. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in blog | 18 Comments »

Scan or Die

December 9th, 2010

As the date for my yearly holiday flight to New York approaches, I’ve been wondering: By which method will I choose to have my privates persecuted? Will I elect to be fondled by a highly trained genitalia inspector, or allow agents to take a radioactive close-up of all the cysts that have emerged in my rectum since I first got in the security-checkpoint line?

I recently read that two-thirds of the population favors the new full-body scanners. Even I will admit that the caveman cowering in the subterrain of my brain feels an iota safer about flying now that we have them. So, I don’t begrudge the public’s support of the new measures. I do, however, begrudge some of the ignorant, reactionary arguments used to justify that support—such as the oft-repeated position that it’s better to tolerate a little indignity than be killed by terrorists.

“If you don’t want to die on the plane,” remarked a caller on Sean Hannity’s radio show recently, “you should be saying, ‘Scan, baby, scan!’”

And BusinessInsider.com blogger Henry Blodget titled his article about the subject, “Sorry, Folks, We’d Rather Be Body-Scanned than Blown Up In Mid-Air.”

What horseshit. The choice is not between getting scanned and being “blown up in mid air.” It’s a choice between scanning and the minute possibility of being blown up. Actually, since no security scheme is foolproof, the choice is between the minute possibility of dying in the air by terrorism and a slightly higher possibility of dying in the air by terrorism.

So, the questions are: How much higher is that possibility? Is it mitigated by the new security measures? And is the difference sizeable enough to justify the myriad physical, emotional, financial, chronological and libertarian costs of it? Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (rants) | 14 Comments »

The Fly

November 11th, 2010

This was supposed to be a different column. It was supposed to be a column about Juan Williams’ being fired by NPR for saying that he is afraid to fly with traditionally dressed Muslims. It was going to be called “Sheiks on a Plane,” which was supposed to include a scene in which Williams runs through the aircraft shouting, “I have had it with these motherfucking sheiks on this motherfucking plane.”

This is gonna be sooo funny, I thought as I brought my piping hot coffee into the office and excitedly began typing out my brilliant idea—for a couple of minutes, anyway, until the creature arrived. It was a fly, and when it flew in the door and landed on my coffee cup, everything came to a screeching halt. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (personal), Last 10 Columns | 10 Comments »

I Am a Quitter

November 8th, 2010

“‘It’s very hard living with a man who is learning to play the violin,’ she said, handing the detective the empty revolver.” -Richard Brautigan

My friend Larry is a formidable Scrabble opponent. We’re usually pretty even, but the last time we played was a holocaust. The prick had subjugated every reachable triple word score, wielded two-letter words like daggers and scored a handful of bingos before I ever scored one. By the time we got to the endgame, I was behind by 150 points, with nothing in my rack but redundant vowels and a board so tight it had all the scoring potential of Gary Coleman in a slam-dunk competition. So I forfeited. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (personal) | 1 Comment »

A Line in the Sand

October 27th, 2010

The first thing I thought—when I heard about the backlash surrounding the Jerry Brown campaign staffer who called his opponent, Meg Whitman, a “whore”—was: What’s this now?! “Whore” is an offensive epithet? That’s news to me.

Apparently, Whitman had been offering pension-reform exemptions to California law-enforcement unions in exchange for their support, which prompted the staffer in question to use the word in question. Then, during the last debate, moderator Tom Brokaw asked Brown why he had not admonished the staffer for using a term that, Brokaw said, “many women have compared to the N-word.”

Brown replied that he did not agree with the N-word comparison but wouldn’t elaborate. “I don’t want to get into the term and how it’s used,” he said before issuing a second apology.

Well, if Brown doesn’t want to “get into the term and how it’s used,” I will, because I’m sick of so many words being arbitrarily removed from the lexicon without any real analysis of what they mean, whom they affect and why. If I’m to be expected to stop using the W- word—a word that has brought me overwhelming joy and ebullient laughter throughout the years—there had damn well better be a good reason. I intend to prove that no such reason exists. Consider it my line in the sand. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (patriotism/politics), Last 10 Columns | 4 Comments »

Different But Equal
Chivalry is for horses, not for people

October 15th, 2010

Last night, my wife and I were returning from a romantic night of wine and dining. It was quiet on the ride back to Ocean Beach, but we each knew what the other was thinking: As soon as we get home, I’m making a mad dash for the bathroom.

This little Mad-Dash-for-the-Bathroom-After-a-Night-on-the-Town thing has become a recurring marital joke between us. It’s actually not so much of a dash as it is a professional wrestling bout, with both of us desperately trying to reach the commode and pretty much willing to do anything to get there first.

And so it went last night, with me unlocking the front door, and her making a run for it. She didn’t get far, though, because I horsecollared her backwards and took several large strides toward the hallway, at which point she employed a flying clothesline, which I rejected, juked left and arrived at the closed bathroom door only to receive a clavicle crushing Mongolian chop from behind. Then we traded haymakers outside the bathroom door until, amid the tumult, I managed to pry it open, leap inside and lock it in haste.

Ten minutes later, when I exited the bathroom, she was still fuming. “You really aren’t very chivalrous, are you?” she said as she ducked her head and marched into the olfactory holocaust I had left as a consolation prize. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (rants), Last 10 Columns | 10 Comments »

Crappy Driver

September 16th, 2010

“You’re a horrible driver,” my wife tells me as she merges onto westbound Interstate 8 from the 805—the last leg of our return trip from Lake Arrowhead. This is hilarious for two reasons. First, I’m one of the best drivers in the world: I never tailgate, rarely speed, drive with both hands on the wheel and have successfully trained myself not to stare at beautiful women for more than three seconds (five seconds if it’s a busty redhead with lots of tats). Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (personal), Last 10 Columns | 3 Comments »

Consistent Intolerance
Wading through the BS of the ground zero “mosque” debate

September 2nd, 2010

This “No mosque at ground zero” backlash has spiraled out of control. Not until all the erroneous, exaggerated and / or hypocritical hype swirling around the issue ceases will anyone be able to have a reasonable debate about the issue. For instance: Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (religion), Last 10 Columns | 15 Comments »

The Regurgitation

August 19th, 2010

This is not a column about Proposition 8. It’s about the towering stupidity of its proponents.

In the days after Judge Vaughn R. Walker ruled that Prop. 8 is unconstitutional, I futilely scoured the Internet, print, TV and radio to locate just one anti-gay-marriage argument that did not, at some point, display colossal ignorance of our laws and government. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in (rants), Last 10 Columns, The Best of Sordid Tales | 5 Comments »

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