Director: John Lee Hancock
Starring: Sandra Bullock
Plot:People fucking caring about other people.
Year: 2009
Handroll Ranking: 
(4 out of 5 handrolls)
Haiku Review
Like Earth, sea and sky
all that I believed ’bout Sandra Bullock
was wrong
The Blind Side
April 5th, 2010
All These AssFaces
(Anti-pot activists fabricate reasons for prohibition)
April 1st, 2010
Future anti-marijuana activist
About a week ago, on MSNBC, I saw this anti-pot guy I’d never encountered before. His name was David Evans of the Drug Free America Foundation and I knew—before he opened his mouth, before the host ever revealed who he was or to which side of the argument he subscribed—that I hated his giant, ugly assface.”
The debate kicked off with the not-at-all-assface-having Jeffrey Miron, head of Harvard undergraduate studies and author of the report “The Budgetary Implications of Drug Prohibition,” which found that if pot prohibition is repealed, the state of California will earn (via taxation) $16 billion annually and save (via non-enforcement) $12 billion—a net turnaround of $28 billion.
After which, Evans—who looks as though Buck Henry, Larry Craig and a bucketful of faces that resemble ass had their DNA fused together in a horrible plasma transporter accident—countered that legalizing marijuana will increase usage by 30 percent and that the financial burden to the state will actually rise.
First of all, 30 percent is clearly a bullshit statistic. That number is so spurious, it’s offensive to actual piles of bullshit. Notice that he doesn’t cite a source. Not that it matters. I wouldn’t care if he got that number from The Bureau of the Smartest People in the Universe Who Have Never Ever Been Wrong about Anything Ever, there is just no way marijuana use will rise by 30 percent if made legal. Seriously, who isn’t getting stoned these days who wants to get stoned? Read the rest of this entry »
Sticks and Stones
March 18th, 2010
The French Parliament is considering legislation that will outlaw “psychological violence” directed at a spouse or any cohabitating domestic partners.
Though the language of the law is gender-nonspecific, it targets the atrocious problem the Frogs are having with those old-world, misogynistic, Neanderthalian males who tear women down by, you know, calling them fat, accusing them of infidelity, deriding their terrible taste in chick-flicks and similar types of bastardatry. Read the rest of this entry »
Where the Wild Things Are
March 14th, 2010
Director: Spike Jonze
Starring: That guy who played that murderous, self-loathing prick, Tony Soprano
Plot: A confused and lonely young boy dressed in a bunny suit sails to a strange island where fun-loving, though wildly insecure, carnivorous monsters make him their king, which he sucks at, so they try to eat him.
Year: 2009
Handroll Ranking:
(4 out of 5 handrolls)
Haiku Review
Carnivorous monsters
don’t eat boy
probably should have.
HAIKU MOVIE REVIEWS
(INTRODUCTION)
March 8th, 2010
This is a little bit that Troy Johnson and I unveiled for our radio show That Ain’t Right on 103.7 Free Fm. They’re basically movie reviews in Haiku form. It was Troy’s idea.
While there are several types of haiku, I’ve chosen to go with the English version of Japanese haiku. Here’s a little haiku brush-up:
1. Haiku is usually three lines of poetry. The first being five syllables long, then seven, then five again.
2. No rhyming.
3. There must be a “season” type word in the poem. Avoid using the season itself, rather, a word that is associated with it such as how toboggans are associated with winter. Nature words are also acceptable.
4. Avoid metaphors. Only the best of the best haiku poets know how to subtly use a metaphor in haiku. For the mediocre Haikuist (read: me), best to avoid them altogether.
5. The poems must be in the present tense since they are intended, primarily, to make us live in the now — a dying art to be certain.
6. It is permissible on occasion to use more or less than 3 lines and different syllable counts than 5-7-5 but there must always be less than 17 syllables in all.
Alice in Wonderland (2010)
March 8th, 2010
Director: Tim Burton
Starring: That dude from 21 Jump Street
Summary: Really? You don’t know this story?
Handroll Ranking:
(3 out of 5 handrolls)
Haiku Review
“Off with her he-eaaad!”
Bellows the bloodthirsty queen
(Clearly the best part).
Avatar
March 8th, 2010
Director: If you have to ask…
Starring: That chick from Alien
Summary: (See Pocahontas)
Handroll Ranking:
(2 out of 5 handrolls)
Haiku Review
Dialogue was for shit
Plot, infantile
But it looked reaaal purty.
God Radio
March 4th, 2010
At the behest of a friend, I logged on to The Mikey Show website to listen to several of his Friday-morning radio testimonials.
For those who don’t know the back-story, in January, Mikey Esparza, the infamous morning cock-jock, left Rock 105.3 (KIOX), and moved to FM 94/9 (KZBT), where the new Mikey morning show now resides. The Mikey Show is like every other morning monkey-house program, with one exception: Every Friday, at the end of his broadcast, Mikey—former purveyor of filth, smut and depravity; former self-proclaimed shit-talking assdouche—tells his audience the story of how Jesus saved his life. He calls the segment his “testimony,” and it is, judging from the shows I’ve heard, the same thing every week: Mikey cues up the melodramatic music bed—a gloomy, meandering, reverb-drenched guitar track (think Ry Cooder on morphine)—and, in a soft, contemplative voice, tells the story of his sexual molestation as a child and the vortex of depression, self-loathing and addictions that ravaged him until Christ came along. Read the rest of this entry »
Shooting Stars
(a goofy Valentine’s Tale of how I met my wife)
February 19th, 2010
My bride
It was February 1999. I had just written a Sordid rant condemning a cluster of City Council-proposed anti-stripper laws that prompted a dozen or so local dancers to e-mail me in gratitude. It was an exciting chapter in my life as I had—for a brief moment—realized my boyhood dreams and became a hero to the strippers of the land.
Among these e-mails was a complimentary letter from a gal named Willow in which she noted, among other things, that she was not an exotic dancer. Somehow, I missed that part because, during our subsequent e-mail conversations, I got it in my head that Willow—a stripper alias to be sure—did make her living hanging upside-down upon the glittery poles of golden grandeur.
Fast forward two weeks: I’m at the gym when I notice this scary-looking wife-beater type—arms, legs and face popping with muscles and prison tats—staring at me in such a manner that I can’t tell if he wants to shank me or be my Valentine. Eventually, he approaches and asks if my name is Ed Decker.
“Um, yeah,” I respond, timidly, hoping and praying that it’s a Hallmark card he’s reaching for and not a shiv. Read the rest of this entry »
First Amendment Primer
February 7th, 2010
Every time somebody gets fired for something they said or wrote, such as recently when blogger Paul Shirley was fired by ESPN for making retarded comments about Haiti, there’s usually an interminable supply of Constitutionally confounded news commentators yammering about the First Amendment—such as CNN’s Joy Behar, who said, “I don’t think he should be fired for [exercising] free speech. I’m strict about the First Amendment.” Read the rest of this entry »
No Cussing Week
(Saving the lives of puny little twerps)
February 3rd, 2010
By now, you’ve probably heard about the 14-year-old South Pasadena boy who recently lobbied to have profanity banned in his hometown. Apparently, the City Council liked the idea so much that they officially proclaimed the first week in March as No Cussing Week and The State of California is considering adopting No Cussing Week as well.
Now keep in mind, No Cussing Week is not law. It’s an official proclamation, which means–it don’t mean squat. It is unenforceable, un-punishable, not in violation of the First Amendment and, therefore, not deserving of our contempt.
It is, however, deserving of our ridicule.
Forget the obvious reason, which is that swearing is a valuable element of human communication. Anyone who doesn’t know that has never had their plane stuck on the tarmac for three hours, their shampoo bottles leak into their suitcase or their hotel reservation misplaced–all during the same trip. You just try to tell me that having access to a couple of choice obscenities at that moment wouldn’t save at least a couple of lives.
But the main reason No Cussing Week deserves our ridicule is because it’s fucking retarded.
Global Boiling
January 18th, 2010I’ve always hated euphemisms. A euphemism replaces an unpleasant word or phrase with one that is more palatable, such as the term “pre-owned” to replace “used” or “landfill” to replace “garbage dump.” It’s a symptom of the fact that mankind would rather obfuscate certain truths about itself than confront them.
Even worse are political euphemisms used to influence the public mindset, such as Dick Cheney’s “enhanced interrogation” to replace “torture,” which is offensive and an insult to our intelligence.
And let us not forget The Dark Lord of euphemisms, former Bush administration consultant Frank Luntz, who gave the president such doozies as “climate change,” “opportunity scholarships” and “responsible energy exploration,” which works well as a euphemism for “drill” but really isn’t all that bumper-sticker-friendly.
“Explore responsibly, baby, explore!” Read the rest of this entry »
Excluding the Excluders
January 7th, 2010
Recently, the U.S. Supreme Court agreed to hear a discrimination case brought by The Christian Legal Society (CLS) against University of California’s Hastings College of Law (UC Hastings) because the university denied the Christian group recognition as an official campus organization based on the Christian group’s policy against homosexuality.
Merry Agnostmas and Happy Satanukkah
December 23rd, 2009
I’m sitting on my recliner watching The View, as I do every morning, and, as usual, getting quite irritated in the bowels by Sherri Shepherd, the heavy-set, African-American co-host whose big fat face I cannot stand in the least.
The ladies are bantering about how it’s become politically incorrect to say or write the words “Merry Christmas” and how that complicates the process of sending holiday cards.
“All my cards say ‘Merry Christmas,’” Shepherd barks defiantly, “because people know I’m a Christian, and if they are offended, they don’t have to get my card.”
Joy Behar, one of the co-hosts on The View who can actually see and shit, explains to Shepherd that the point of a greeting card is to commemorate the holiday that the recipient is celebrating. “I’m a Christian, too,” Behar says, “but I send my Jewish friends ‘Happy Hanukkah’ cards.”
“No,” spurts Shepherd, “this is my holiday!”
And there you have it, folks. It’s Sherri Shepherd’s holiday; we’re just decorating it for her.
There are few people in this whole wide world whom I despise more than that woman. Her unwavering conviction to fatuous, infantile concepts is astounding. This is a person who believes Christianity predates all religions, wasn’t sure if the world is flat or round and thought that taking Andy Dick to a Pentecostal church service would get him to change his ways.
So, no, I am not surprised that Ms. Shepherd would make such a remark, but when Elisabeth Hasselbeck agreed, well, that was a bit much. Hasselbeck—the blonde, right-wing, bumper-sticker spewing co-host of The View—ain’t no Copernicus, either, but she’s nowhere near as vacuous as Shepherd. Or so I thought. Read the rest of this entry »
Infidelity Mulligan
December 9th, 2009
Oh God, give it a rest already with this whole Tiger Woods infidelity outrage. For crying out loud, don’t you know? Everybody cheats: We cheat on our taxes, we cheat on our résumés, we cheat on our facepage entries for age and weight and, yes, we have cheated—or are about to cheat—on our husbands and wives.
According to the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 45 to 55 percent of married women and 50 to 60 percent of married men “engage in extramarital sex at some time during their relationship.” And that’s just those who admit to it. If you add 15 percentage points for those who are lying, 15 for people who would cheat but can’t—because they are too ugly, dumb and smelly to seduce somebody other than their ugly, dumb, smelly spouses—you’ve got a 85-90 percent chance that normal people in normal situations cheat. Read the rest of this entry »
Pacific San Diego Magazine
December 1st, 2009
Stupid Cubed
November 25th, 2009Ever since the citizens of Maine and Oregon voted to snub their homosexual brethren by denying them the right to marry (et tu, progressive states?), I really wanted to write a rant (wrant) about it. The problem was, I had wranted so much about California’s own Prop. 8 gay marriage snub—I wasn’t sure I wanted to go there again.
Until today, when I happened upon a statistic saying of the 31 states (including Maine and Oregon) that put same-sex marriage to a popular vote, every one of them shot it down!
Not to be confused with the five states (Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, Iowa, New Hampshire) that legalized gay marriage via the legislature, the 31 states in question took the issue to the citizens, and the citizens denied it, as if to say, “Get back in the dungeon, gay people! You’re scaring the kids!” Read the rest of this entry »
Welcoming the Ants
November 10th, 2009
Responding to the recent car-bombing of a Peshawar market, Secretary of State Clinton told the Pakistan press, and the world, that the attacks were, “cowardly,” which couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Just Google the phrase cowardly act and see how many people have no idea what coward even means. For example, the first three hits are links to: an article about a hit and run murder in Toronto, an assault on an elderly man by a teenager with a baseball bat, and a man who attacked an Australian Constable with a flying head-butt to protect an elderly man from being tasered—all of which were described as “cowardly acts.” Read the rest of this entry »
Snobs
November 2nd, 2009Recently, I drifted into a cigar and beer and wine bar to treat myself to a stogie and a brew. This particular establishment is known for its extensive draft microbrew selection and a palatial walk-in humidor that would make most cigar aficionados drool.
As usual, I was looking for something under 20 bucks. Aside from the fact that $20 is all I care to invest in something I’m going to set on fire and reduce to a small pile of ash, the truth is, I really can’t tell the difference between a $20 and a $100 cigar. I just don’t have the palate for it, so I don’t spend more than $20, which, I guess, makes me a cigar aficio-nada. Read the rest of this entry »
Indoctrination Outrage Theater
October 15th, 2009
When President Barack Obama gave a speech last month that was written for the school children of America, certain politicians and pundits threw a fit.
Jim Greer, the Florida GOP chairman, called the speech “liberal propaganda.” Fox News commentHater Glenn Beck said the president’s goal is the “indoctrination of children.” The list goes on.
And what were these detestable messages being propagandized by President Obama (or, as I call it, prObamaganda)? Do your homework, stay in school, apply yourself—you know, the kind of ideas that could destroy a society should they ever catch on. Read the rest of this entry »
